A New Start...

2008 will mark the start of a new blog and leaving this one of pinkness behind...

Oh What The Hell...

So it's finals week. I have projects coming out of my ass. My house smells funky. I don't have time to figure out what stinks. It might be me for all I know. I am sort of flat broke. I have no time to wrap the gifts that are hidden all over my house. I haven't seen some of my friends in ages. I was in a car accident that, I might get sued over. And now... I find out in a text message that my little brother got engaged today and no one bothered to tell me.

This seems to be a recurring thing...not telling me about engagements.

This week is going to kill me.

WTF...

Is everyone deleting their blogs?!?!

Marriage At The Speed Of Light...

Pam Anderson announced her intent to divorce and called it off. In the same 24 hours.

You gotta be fast to keep up with that bag of silicone.

All I Want For Christmas...

Is the time to be able to go to the gym and to do my dishes.

I feel frumpy and the dishes smell.

I'm Fucked...

I have far too much work for the end of the semester and not really enough time to do it in.

God Damn, I Needed That...

So. I went out last night with my friend Skeletor. We call her that, because sometimes, she appears that thin. Anyway, ended up hooking up with one of Bartender's friends. Very cute boy. He rescued me from a crazy guy, and I ended up... ... ... really enjoying his company. hehe. He made me feel pretty for just a few moments.

Now, I have to run to Wal-mart and change my hours, buy some groceries and then hit the books pretty hard core. I have to finish two papers today.

What A Good Sign...

"I'm worried you like me too much."

My new favorite text from the boy.

*tightens noose around neck*

Fuck This Noise...

Car accidents suck. I rear ended a woman on my lunch because some jack ass two cars in front of me slammed on their brakes. I found the only patch of ice on the road and hit the woman in front of me.

Insurance companies, cops and paper work can all fuck off.

One Good Thing...

The restaurant offered me full time tonight.

I might take it.

Mayor Of The Friend Zone...

The boy tonight asked me about dating the bitchy gross girl that works for Bartender. He wants to know what kinds of flowers she likes.

*looks around for noose*

Beauty Queens and Children's Dreams...

I solved the world peace crisis today. I had to write a proposal for macro econ today on the subject.

Children and Beauty Queens.

LOL, draw your own conclusions, but if you would like to read the starry eyed proposal...let me know.

In other news, I am losing my mind. The end of the semester is a terribly stressful time right now, and I am not handling it well. I am kind of unbalanced right now. My thoughts don't add up, I have a short fuse, I am needy and whiny. I need a hug. I need to clean my house (it smells funny in here). I don't have time to do it right now. So, maybe next week I can figure out which stack of dishes reek so bad. I am selfishly expecting the attention of some people, and getting heart hurt when I don't get that attention. But there are certain people I need right now. Is that really all that selfish to know which friends are going to say the right things to make it all okay? Is it also ok to not care that I feel like I'm being selfish?

It All Falls Apart In The End...

So...the boy mentioned below. We are not dating. He actually said the sentence tonight,

"It's ok that we hang out like this, and we aren't going out, right?

Bummer.

I Needed That Like A Hole In The Head...

So, I went and pierced my nose...

When All Else Fails...

Buy concert tickets.

Going to see Matchbox Twenty in February. Yay me!

The Good With The Bad...

What an icky day today turned out to be. Oh well. I guess you'll have those.

A Pretty Sweet Score...

I did nab myself an early, tragically bad Christmas gift.

Ugh...

For a girl who hates Christmas, I just charged $150.01 at Kohl's.

It's ok to be paying for Christmas all year, right?

Shocking...

The below mentioned drama queen at the restaurant, just bothered to not show up today.

So, fired she is. That's one relief.

But now, I'm short a waitress. I have to sweet talk Bartender into helping me out. I know he will, but it's just that I have traded one stress for another. I know that are going to have to ask me to take more shifts.

Miracles Will Happen As We Dream...

I am losing my damn mind. I had started bullet pointing this...Fuck that.

Ok, I work at Wal-Mart. It's December. Enough said. And you know, I don't hate the job. I hate the materialism of the season. Christmas has been ruined for me.

On that note, I have like no money to try and live my life on, and try and buy holiday gifts. God forbid my mother doesn't get something shiny.

As a result, I have been picking up extra shifts in the restaurant to try and make ends meet. I now work 6 days a week.

In said restaurant, I work with the biggest fucking drama queen, I have ever come in contact with. She's so fucking irresponsible, and I have to keep Bartender on stand by, in case she flakes out and I am short one wait person.

I like a boy. I haven't been talking about it. But, there's a boy. I like this boy. I used to sort of date his stinky, stupid friend. He used to date (or be engaged to, I forget) Melly's little sister. We both openly admit being attracted to each other. It's not something we hide. We very much enjoy each other's company. We "hang out" from time to time. Movie dates, sit around watching movies, he randomly shows up at my place of employment to see me. And still, we are not together. I really like this boy. It's never going to happen. But, I am still sticking it out. Stranger things have happened.

All these things combined with the fact that it's the last two weeks of the semester, I just might have a breakdown.

No one really understands, because no one else is in my shoes. And that sucks, not having anyone relate to this. However, Bartender, Davey and Junior, have been going out of their way to make things easier on me. I have good friends.

Oh...and I hate that my roommate stomps when he walks and insists on chewing with his mouth open.

Oh, Heaven Help Me...

Melly is on the phone with me right now. She just announced her pregnancy to me.

I don't know if I can handle her and Kristina and her knocked up at the same time.

0 to Bitch In 60...

I am cranky. Have been all day. Don't feel great. Not feeling very social. And to top off the afternoon, I just watched my roommate spill an entire glass of water on my economics homework...and walk away.

I think I am going to be needing an alibi soon...dead roommate.

I Could Burn The Building Down...

Grr. A cashier just emailed me and told me that the management at our store plans on having me work a different schedule then what I am actually scheduled this weekend and haven't bothered to actually tell me this.

Um, I don't think so. When did they plan on asking me this? Friday morning? They forget I have multiple jobs. And it's the end of the semester, so I really don't have time to spare.

It just pisses me off that they don't even bother to ask.

Case Of The Mondays...

A little old woman on a cell phone driving in the parking lot at trigs, had the unfortunate luck of slamming into my car this morning. Shockingly, despite the force with what she hit me, there was no damage to the car. She's lucky. I'd have kicked her ass across town.

Then...I plug in my iPod only to find that my hard drive has decided to completely lose my entire music library.

Fucking wonderful.

Songs To Rage By...

So earlier today, I was thinking that I was digging myself a hole. I have picked up Thursday nights in the restrauant. Well, we had an issue with one of the new employees recently that left Tuesdays open also. So I picked those up. I was thinking that I should be more stressed then what I am, but I think alot of it has to do with not being miserable at work.

So, I am bopping along to work all bundled up, braving the elements. I get there to find that the new girl, changed the schedule and decided to work today after all. Der.

Not that's it's a big deal, but I lost 30 minutes of time I could have been doing homework to someone else's stupidity.

And I was going to use my tip money to send myself to see Hitman tonight. Double Der.

A Statement of Lust...

Vitamin Water completes me.

I am addicted. Lord help me.

The First Thanksgiving...

So today, I am hosting my very own Thanksgiving for my friends. And because it will be filled with mishaps and shenanigans, I shall post live updates for the most of the day.

7.58 am: Off to Wal-mart. In my slightly altered state last night (drunk), I forgot to go back to Wal-mart and get things like the turkey roasting bags, and milk.

9.29 am: I just realized that while I knew I wouldn't have enough plates, it never dawned on me that I didn't have enough utensils. Off to Wal-mart.

9.32 am: "Why won't you poop?" Davey just asked the dogg. (And yes it's, Dogg, the dogg is gangsta)

9.36 am: "It's like throwing a hot dog down the hallway. That's why she doesn't like it." Davey's insight on why Junior's roommate doesn't like sex.

9.51 am: "Why can't Sean Connery host the parade just one time?" - Junior

11.52 am: "Mom's stuffing looks like shit." Text from little brother. (Her stuffing is the most vile creation on the planet. Nothing good about it on earth. Possibly the one side dish to ruin the holiday world wide.

12.20 pm: "Girls like my dough nuts." Pook, my roommate.

12.10 pm: (I forgot...my bad) Jennigirl, one of my waitresses just burst into my apartment, "Juice, I need a beer." She's making beer bread for tonight's feast.

I Once Saw A Movie With Betty Grable...

Thanksgiving is shaping up nicely. I am having 15 (ish) people in my house for Thursday. I am kind of freaking out about it, but only because I don't want to mess it up.

To be honest, I am so excited to be making my own holiday. I hope I can make this work. I'd love for this to be a tradition.

It's A Long Way To Happy From Rock Bottom...

It's hard for me to hear about him sleeping with our friends and not be bothered by it. It just hurts.

Wait, What...

Gene Simmons died?

They Are All Adorable...

ok...Well, not all of them. There is an ugly one or two out there.

I met Bartender's little brother Sunday night. First of all, let's just touch on the fact that my heart did the icky thump a bump thing when I walked into the house and he was holding this sleeping little boy close to his chest. And when we did the pass the sleeping baby without waking him deal, my mind couldn't help but think, what if.

Now that I have that out of my system, god, being in love with your best friend is not an easy thing.

What a sweet little boy. As I was sitting there talking with his parents and running my fingers gently along his tiny little leg, I am not going to deny that I flinched and sort of retracted my fingers every time I got to his club foot. I didn't flinch out of shock or disgust, but I was really concerned about hurting him. I know that's silly, but he's so fragile and new, that I just felt like touching it would hurt and wake him.

All and all, sweet little boy. The one time he peeked his eye open at me, I felt like he was giving me a little gift.

Turn To Page 127...

Ever think that life is like one of those fantasy "choose your own adventure" books, where you decided how the story ended? Well, it is, isn't it?

I have quietly decided to turn to page 127, to see what happens next. I have concretely decided that my major of choice is Marketing. But what to do with it has been the question all along.

Today, I have decided that I am minor-ing in Communication. I am going to attempt to enter the field of Public Relations. It's all about passion, the entire field. You have to sell the shit out of whatever is tossed at you. Whether it's an event, a press release, dealing with a management company, etc., it's all about portraying an image and backing it up.

Everything I have read simply comes down to this, you have to want it. Want someone to talk about your event, want someone to hire you, want to be the best. I think we can safely say that with all the obstacles that have been tossed at me in the last year, that I have a little bitty fire driving me and I really think this is something I would do well at.

So, I wonder what will happen next?

Pending Updates...

I have so much to update you on....tonight.

Different Eyes...

I had a 15 hour field trip for Geology yesterday. Wow, did I see some cool shit! I saw some of the most beautiful rock formations ever. And I saw them with new eyes. What I once thought would have just been a wonder of nature, has me seeing the geology significance, and looking quite a bit closer then I normally would have.

Well, I will get more into it tomorrow, but let's just say it's all fun to you drop your camera down a cliff.

Big day today. Working. Going to a funeral. Going back to work to work an event. And then getting Anners drunk to mourn the passing of her Momma. I am going to cry today.

On the docket for tomorrow is telling Bartender, how selfish I am and not wanting him to date a friend of ours. Oh boy.

Shut Up Butthead, I'm Trying To Score...

So I met up with Bartender today to vent about my Melly issue. It's been heavy on my mind all day. I can't get passed this. I have never been so hurt before. The situation was gone over a thousand times (because I wouldn't let it go), with a thousand different endings.

Was she drunk? Oh yes.

Do I think she would have asked the same thing sober? Oh yes, just would have worded it differently. She's just that selfish. It's sincerely about how everything looks. It's always about appearance with the shallow ones.

Here's the thing. The exact words came out of her mouth...

"I need you to lose weight before the wedding. I need "us" to be pretty."

There is no mistaking what exactly was meant by that. Which is really unfortunate, because I have been dealing with issues of feeling invisible amongst my beautiful friends. I felt like last night I wasn't pretty enough to be her friend. That me being there, all fat and unpretty, is actually going to be a belmish in her wedding album.

I don't have the best self-confidence in the world, I'll admit this. I think at one time I was a pretty girl. A girl that people took notice of, and then I got fat. I'm not ugly, but I am by no means a pretty girl. I promise you, that you would look right past me in a crowd and never even notice me. It's taken me a long time to accept this. A long time. Like with in the last year, I became ok with it. This week has pushed me back about a million steps.

It wouldn't be bad, but I just started going back to the gym, Monday. This happened yesterday. Part of me wants to let it roll of my (very large) back, and part of me just wants to have deep fried twinkies dipped in lard every day between now and the wedding.

I haven't really eaten all day, I have had a granola bar and 3/4 of a tossed salad. It's not that I am starving myself or anything, but the thought of food just makes me want to barf right now.

Am I Not Good Enough...

Melly and her boyfriend have begun to talk wedding plans, despite he hasn't asked that crucial question.

Last night she told me to lose weight before the wedding, because she wants "us" to be pretty for the wedding.

Um. I know I'm nothing much to look at, but fucking ouch.

I'm pretty upset at her right now, and her drunk ass doesn't even know it. Dumb, spoiled little bitch.

Holy Posts...

Try to keep up...ok?

"You Have More Homework Then Anyone I Have Ever Known..."

Words Davey spoke to me the other day. It feels true. It's heavy on my mind as it's time to enroll for spring semester.

I am signed up for: Intro to Philosophy, Motion Picture Appreciation, and English Comp 1.

Pssh. Ain't no thing. I'm gonna have a much smoother ride next semester, I imagine.

Look How Far They've Come...

If Matchbox twenty ever announces tour dates....

I am so there. I don't care if I have to remove my pancreas to go.

(I'm destined to be diabetic, I figure I'll give this one up and buy a new one on the black market anyway.)

Movie Mumblings...

I go through phases where I watch a ton of movies lately and then nothing for weeks.

This week I watched, Music and Lyrics and the start of Alpha Dog

Music and Lyrics is completely a chick flick. No hiding that. The best part of this movie described my love affair with music...

"A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex. ... But then as you get to know the person, that's the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It's the combination of the two that makes it magical."

My thoughts exactly.

Oh, and the first half of Alpha Dog looked good as hell. Bartender is supposed to take me to see American Gangster Wednesday night. I'm excited as hell for this movie, we'll see if he follows through. I may go without him, I want to see this film that bad.

Something That Caught My Ear...

Sometimes, I get wrapped up in the things that we call "life", it's songs like this that catch my ear and make me think.

Carrie Underwood - So Small

What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

I Can't Even Will Myself Warm Right Now...

The thin blanket of snow that covered my almost picturesque small town was still here when I woke up this morning. It's thinning as the day progresses but it's a very clear sign of the season.

I have been chilled on campus all day staring out windows of class rooms and have caught myself thinking, "It even looks cold today", as I stare out across the lake that my beautiful campus sits on.

I am sitting here wearing a long sleeve t-shirt and can't ignore the slight prickle of goosebumps that has been pestering my skin all day. My iPod is blasting sounds that imply the warm of carefree summer days in my ears. Artists like Kenny Chesney, Long Beach Dub All Stars, Colbie Caillat, The Contagious Remedy (a friend's band), and others that simply beg me to drive with the windows down and feel the warmth of the sun on my face are simply not sufficient today. I feel I should replace them with the crisp, cool sounds of a modern jazz ballad, perhaps a little Chris Botti or Michael Buble.


I feel this day would be best spent in front of a fire place with warm cider or tea. Since I have neither, I guess I will destroy the attempted beauty of this post, and say this...

Fuck it dude, I'm going tanning.

What Did She Say...

I said...

I am going to do absolutely nothing tonight. Sit on my butt kind of nothing. I am not opening text book...washing a dish....nothing!

Happy Birthday...

Cole Jordan Bartender.

November 1st, 7:20 p.m. 6 pounds 12 oz.

YAY!

That's Hot...

My friend Tom tom decided to spend the haunting holiday in Vegas this year.

Last night, he called from Paris Hilton's Halloween party. I could tell I have been hanging around with the boys to long when all I had to say is...

"If you don't hit that from behind, you should probably not come home."

LOL, quick. I need a manicure and a Reese Witherspoon movie.

**Baby update** Bartender's mom went in this morning...still no baby.

Kick You When You're Down...

So, Davey points out I have a very flat tire. I am advised to drive it to Holiday and deal with it tomorrow. Driving it to Holiday shreds my tire. Not just a little....ALOT tire bits all over the place.

New tires. That's what I get. This never happened on the old ones.

Oh, And That...

Bartender's bat shit crazy ex girlfriend asked me to be her maid of honor today. In a text message. The wedding is next weekend.

Is "Fuck no" appropriate?

My Wish...

I wish that no one ever had to feel the heart ache of losing someone close to them ever. Anners mother passed away about an hour ago. I am heart broken. I never knew her, but the loss my friend is currently dealing with is killing me. I am speechless. I am crying right now for her. Her mother was very sick, so it is probably a blessing. But seeing that blessing is often tough through the tears.

Bartender's mom is currently in labor. Has been all day.

What a strange day this is turning out to be. Lots more tears then I expected.

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone...

It occurred to me today, that all the joy is gone from my life. There is nothing that really excites me the way it used to. Things I used to love have lost all appeal. I have even said things like..."I have been tired since 2005." I can't remember the last time I got really excited about something and not felt some sort of feeling of dread along with it. Even dressing up and going out with my friends on halloween wasn't fun.

Where did the lights in my life go? When did I become a black hole of nothing? When did I start having depression issues? How long have I been like this? Can I take my life back?

I am going to the gym tonight. My clothes don't fit.

I'm Kind Of A Big Deal Around Here...

I get this alot. I'll be walking through a bar, and someone will come up to me and be like...

"Hey Juicy, how are you?"

Or some comparable pleasantry and I'm forced to carry on an uncomfortable conversation with some person I do not know.

How are people I do not know comfortable enough to use my nickname? Do they know my name? Do they know how annoying I am actually finding it when strangers address me so personally?

I Am Not Seeing The Beauty Today...

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down
It can break your heart.

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road
At the end of the day.

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way
Of taking it's sweet time.

No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride.

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walking
All these lonely miles.

And wish for just one minute
That I could see your pretty face
Guess, I can dream
But life don't work that way.

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way
Of taking it's sweet time.

No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride.

What a beautiful ride...

That's all I have today.  I am pretty down.  Maybe I'll explain later.  That's it for now. 

"One Day It's Heaven, One Day It's Hell..."

Oh boy, did my day suck major balls. Donkey balls. Big donkey balls. Big, hairy donkey balls.

And then, I came home to discover I passed my Algebra exam I was worried about. And not by the slim margin I expected. Perfect score baby!!!

That helps alot.

The missing school books are not setting well with me ... even yet. I had to order the replacements today. You hear that, it's my credit card whimpering back into my wallet.

I Have Got A Diease...

I bought another purse today with some birthday moolah.

Like I really needed a red satin hand bag.

Well, Now, That Can't Be Good...

Ever have that uneasy feeling when you walk out of an exam because the test was way easier then the homework?

I do not feel good about the Algebra test.

I, however, am supremely confident that I failed my Geology exam. Abso-fucking-lutely positive.

Oh well. To quote the professor, "It's not panic time yet."

Oh, It Wasn't So Bad...

And by that, I mean it was great. I cried a bit, but I laughed more. I was upset with the world a bit, but my friends loved me more.

Ok, maybe one more birthday won't kill me. But I swear...that is it then, no more after this next one!! ;)

For the first time ever, my Mother produced a birthday gift on my birthday. It was an amazing one too. Tires. I am getting new tires. Who would have guessed my Mother actually listens when I talk!? Melly bought me a beautiful Hello Kitty glass ornament. MrsGiggles, hand made me a breathtaking card. Ray-Ray got me this bottle of perfume I had been eyeing up. Kiki got me a pretty bitchin' that's right, I said bitchin' Hello Kitty clutch purse. My wonderful friends took me out to dinner. Despite the fact that Bartender couldn't make it, I think he felt worse then I did about this, I had a pretty great time. I love when I can get my friends all in one spot at the same time. Kids, school schedules, drastically varying work schedules, and distance often makes this tough.

To make up for Bartender not being able to make it, Davey and Junior are taking Bartender and I to this brewery about 30 minutes north of here, which will include a stop at my favorite Squishy person in the world.

Ok...Homework. Seriously, I have two exams tomorrow. And my books, still MIA.

I'll load the pictures later. Blogger is being a bitch.


Blogger got less bitchy! Yea!

Oh, It's That Day...

I don't think I am going to celebrate my birthday anymore.

And who steals a back pack full of school books. And I thought I was a geek.

Everyone Celebrates Their Birthday For A Week, Right?

That my friends is a bucket of beer. That's what you get for birthdays around here.

Tagged Like A Deer On The Tailgate of an F150...

OK...HST tagged me for 8 random facts about me....

1) I have broken every finger and toe.
2) I cannot stand an open, empty mailbox.
3) Storms are terrifying.
4) I have a laundry scent fetish. Must smell amazing.
5) My cats are more important to me then I ever expected.
6) The thought of finally having my own holiday tradition makes me smile.
7) My friends are amazing. Only family I'll ever need (The fish is considered in the friend column)
8) Losing my job was the best thing to happen to me. Free. I am free.

I Used To Hang Out 2 Houses Over From Where This Happened...

Off-Duty Officer Kills 6

This took place 20 minutes east of here.

Argh...

A coin bank contains Nickels, Dimes, and Quarters. There are 14 nickels, 1/6 of the coins are dimes, and 3/5 are quarters. How many total coins are there?

Why can't I do this?! Ok, take a shot at it. I already know the answer, but I would really love to know how to get there.

Thank Fucking God...

I got an A on my Algebra exam.

Dear god, did I need that.

I'm Not Even Going To Pretend To Be Sad...

Britney lost custody of her kids today. Thank god!

It's So Deserved...

My beloved Chicago Cubs are in the playoffs.

I love October baseball!!!

Woot!

Ouch...

I just took a math test that actually made my head hurt.

Validate Me, Love Me...

I am having esteem issues.

Someone quick, take me on a date. Doesn't have to mean anything...just need to feel special, even for a few minutes.

Words From A Dying Man...

"Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls aren't there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show us how badly we want things."

Randy Pausch, a terminal cancer patient/professor at Carngie Mellon spoke these words this week.

I'd do good to keep them in mind lately.

Destiny...

Transformers gets released on DVD on my birthday.

A Quote...

"I am going to sit on the couch and bask in my own sweetness."

-The boy next door.

How Does It Feel...

To know that my pig tails are pulled to tight, and hurt my head.

Ow.

The Costs Of Stress...

Everytime I start to feel everything falling apart, every joint in my body feels like it's fused together.

I feel this mostly in my back, the more upset I get, the tighter my back gets. Now, breathing hurts.

I also tend to pick at imaginary blemishes on my face. I have a hole on my chin that's scabbing over from earlier in this week.

And what's really cool is how much hair I lose. Thankfully, I have a rather thick head of hair. It's quickly graying, but thick none the less...so you can't really tell.

It is really disgusting though having to clean the shower drain every other day.

The Face Of A Breakdown...

Hi. That's me. I feel like I am falling apart at the seams a little more everyday.

I have so much to write about how I feel like I am hitting my max, but I can't even take the time to tell you because, I spent my time myspacing. God, I'm a fucking moron.

I Can't Believe I'm Saying This...

I like Britney's new single...Gimme More.

It's not bad and it makes me wanna dance.

"I Never Knew That Everything Was Falling Through..."

This happens to me alot. I get into something and develop a tendency to freak out a little bit.

I am freaking out.

Algebra, Geology, Macroeconomics.

*bits lip* Oh dear. Can I handle this?

Annoying...

God, I hate the first day back at class. They are trying to make it exciting, turns out it's just really fucking distracting for me. I wanted to get some shit done on my break between classes, but there is so much commotion on campus that I can't hardly think. There is a fucking balloon artist for fuck's sake. However...I do kind of want him to make me a penguin.

I am already thinking that my Geology class is going to be a handful. I hear that this instructor will change my life, but all I see is a crazy man who told me outright that there is no way that I will ever get an A in his class. I have to wonder if he's challenging me to see if I can.

I have Algebra next. I am really going to wish I took this in high school I think.

It's Finally Happened...

I've turned into one of them.

The boys that is.

I was standing a the fridge just now, making my dinner in the soft glow of that 60 Watt bulb, and I dropped the slice of bread that was to be the perfect mate to my hot dog. I stood there for a full 20 seconds or so, staring at it. I grabbed the ketchup, squirted some on it...and then I picked it up off the floor and complete it's destiny date with my hot dog.

It was only later, that I realized that, I am disgusting.

Gimme One Reason...

Or your song...

I posed a question to my friends yesterday, and got some great answers.

If you could add one song to the music collection of everyone you know, what would it be?

I got some amazing responses. Like a great cover of The Cure's Just Like Heaven.

So, I ask you now...What would you add to the world's playlist?

Here We Go Again...

My online class opens today. I am so not ready for this already.

It's Not Easy Being This Crazy...

I don't even know where to start. I have been freaking out all day.

Let's start with the boy. I worked in the restaurant today. I had all kinds of time for my mind to wander. Once I settled down a little bit, I had time to evaluate last night's situation. The most romantic thing ever happened last night. But it didn't happen to me.

His love is in the area from Vegas. She is in the next city for a bachelorette party. He and I were at this wedding. He announces during the reception that he is considering going to see her. I tell him I think it's a bad idea (Of course I think it's a bad idea...I know how he feels about her. I know he'll never feel that way about me. I think it's a rotten idea!!!). We are standing in the middle of everything discussing the situation, and I go ahead and say what a best friend should.

"Be happy." (Fucking moron)

He stops mid sentence. Looks at me.

"Fuck this. I love her. I am going. I love you, I'll call you from the road." Gives me the warmest hug ever and runs out the door.

He lived out a real live movie moment right there in front of me. It was so sweet and devastating at the same time. I made small talk for a few minutes and then found my way to the door before my face exploded in tears.

I swear, last night, I was in a live action Resse Witherspoon movie. I sobbed uncontrollably for a bit and put myself to bed.

At work, I couldn't help but wonder, I am in love with him...or am I in love with the idea of being with someone like him? Am I just sick of being single and this is what happens? I would never ever give up my friendship with him for anything. And I can't imagine not being able to talk to him about every little thing with him...including our relationships. Can't I just clone him and date the clone? (Though, I did see that Michael Keaton movie with the cloning and we know it was a horrid idea from that) Anyway, the more I thought about it, I convinced myself that my "love" for my best friend may just be that I am in fact, a little bit lonely. And he's there. And I know how wonderful he is. Well, let's be real...should I be in love with my best male friend who I spend every single day with? No. But is it possible? Without a doubt. But I can't go jumping off the deep end here.

And telling him, only going to make things worse. There will be this weirdness and I can't have that. I depend on him too much, to not have him there. I can't risk that. I can't take the chance.

After work, he called me. I assume to tell me how things went last night (he spent the night there...I can assume). And why is it that talking to him made every single thing ok? I just got off the phone with him...he did listen to me whine about the other stuff I have going on (that's another post) and I feel 100% better. I won't tell him what really caused my distress but he believes it to be over a boy. He has nooooo idea.

All he said about his little encounter with her, is that it was nice. He says he doesn't have alot to tell me right now, other then it was nice. (What the fuck does nice mean?)

I just don't know what is going on in my head right now. But, I know I am ok now. Which probably just further proves that I am in love with him...but back to denial.

Now, I am going to launch into the other stuff. School.

It dawned on me on Friday that at this rate, I am looking at being 33 when I graduate with my BA. 33. Now, I know there is a new Lifetime movie every week that tells us that anybody can do it. My life is not a movie. His is, mine isn't. I need to be going to school full time. I cannot wait another 6 years for life to really start. I need action now.

So, going to school full time, means working less. This also means...I don't know if I am going to be able to live on my own. I may have to bite the bullet and move in with my mother. I am going to toss around the idea with other family members, as my mother is my last resort.

Living with my mother at nearly 30 (OMG, 30. That's not a fun idea to wrap my pea mind around) , I can't be that person. I mean, I could...but do I want to. Oh fuck no.

So, now I gotta figure shit out. How to work, how to go full time at school, How to keep my apartment, How to have a life and still keep my life in tact.

I am a big mental mess right now. I just don't know anything right now.

Now About That...

I wasn't drunk last night when I made that post. I'm also not deleting it. I thought about it, but...if Usher can make a million dollars telling his story, maybe I can sleep better at night. You already know that I love him, but maybe I needed to say it out loud.

It sucks. I don't feel better after a night of sleep. I thought being over tired and spending too much time in the sun yesterday, combined with 3 weddings in 7 days was all it was...

Turns out...I knew all along what was wrong with me.

Now it's all about moving on...right?

Now, it's just making sure that he doesn't find out.

These Are My Confessions...

I just sent the only boy I have thought I could spend my life with, after the love of his life, because he is still in love with her.

I'm a good friend, for sending him after her right? He loves her.

But I love him...what about me?! Who sends me after my happy ending? Did I just fuck myself over?

Should I feel odd that she's the only thing he won't tell me about?

I Can't Stop Smiling...

Bartender and I had a moment on the phone tonight. It completely validated our friendship. It was exactly what I needed to hear tonight.

He's good like that.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of couple we would hypothetically make. Right now, I am so content with our friendship.

And I spent sometime with Kiki tonight, and it was looong over due. I so needed that. She did ask me to throw her baby shower though! I couldn't be more thrilled that she would trust me with this.

Movie Mumblings...

The Omen: 666 - This remake was much creepier then the original. I really enjoyed it.

LA Confidential - I'm watching it right now. I don't like it.

The Accidental Felon...

Bartender and I had a short criminal career the other day. We are not good at that game.

I'll follow with the story another day.

Left A Note And Said I'm Sorry, I've Had A Bad Again...

Phone rings at 1 am this morning. I see it's Bartender. I found it odd, be cause he is supposed to be at college town for orientation.

He's stranded on the side of the freeway and wanted to talk to me while he waited for his saving grace. It sounds like his transmission went out on him.

He calls once his dad drops off another vehicle and waits for the other to be towed home.

He is delayed but not, screwed.

He calls me again. 9 a.m. from his orientation. They messed up his application and he's not even a student. He has to reapply.

He drove 2.5 hours and killed his car for nothing. I'm making him his favorite meal tonight. I think he's earned it.

I don't know why I felt compelled to tell you that. I just did.

Oh, yea. And Xan might have cancer. Has to have surgery on Thursday. I'm scared. What is going on with my friends!?!?!

Another Beautiful Bride...

Another beautiful bride.

Two weddings in two days is alot. As fun as it was, I am freaking beat.

Hehehee...

I'm Going To Die Alone...

*sigh* It was a lovely day. Today could not have gone any more perfectly for the happy couple. I am sort of broken hearted and happy all at the same time. I am 50% of the way through the wedding weekend and I think the tough one will actually be tomorrow. Weddings make the single girl really sad.

I could insert a confession here about people...but won't. Instead...I think I'll go to bed.

*I did look sorta hot today though, but not quite hot enough...I'll never be hot enough*

Movie Mumblings...

300 - Visually, the coolest thing I have ever seen. However, after the first fight scene, I found the movie unbearable. The acting is terrible and the dialog is laughable. How upsetting. It looked like nothing more then a sensational video game.

Accepted - Hehehe. Justin Long makes me giggle. I don't care how fluffy the movie is.

I Did Not Know That...

Surf the internet long enough and even that is boring.

Is There A Chiropractor In The House...

I just went and got my books for the upcoming semester. OW! These bitches are heavy.

Went to the doctor today. Time to go back on some meds I thought I grew out of as a kid. I am having some difficulty managing my ADD lately. Turns out that I was also due for every vaccine booster on the planet. My arm hurts.

I was to have lunch with Bartender today, he didn't answer the phone. Shocking. *notice invisible snarky tone*

My former roommate is getting married in a few days. Odd.

My cats are fighting. Not shocking.

Bluebidy Bluebidy Blu.

Give A Girl A Flat Iron...

And you change her identity completely.

A Day With Something To Say...

It seems I always have something to say, though. Why is today any different? It just is.

I was in the bank today conducting some ... well, banking. While I was there the AVP of (whatever), The woman in charge spotted me. This woman had a hand in hiring me. This woman trained me. This woman has been my only cheerleader for some time now. She pulled me aside and asked me what really happened with my dismissal.

I told her. I told her I felt like I had been a target for quite sometime. The terms of my dismissal are simple on paper. I was late for work. I was let go for this reason. Do I think that underlying issues existed, oh yes. I ended up unloading everything on her that I should have said 3 years ago. She asked me, if I was offered my job back with a salary increase, would I consider it? I felt confident walking away from her, knowing I told her no.

I felt better then I had in months. What an emotional release that was. I stopped to see Kiki on the way home, and it felt right again. I miss Keeks.

On the rest of the walk home, I felt so pleased that I actually considered booking a flight out to California to see my dear friend who is having a rough time lately.

I got home and through the "6 degrees of net surfing" on Myspace, I came across the fact that he told other people that I am a bad friend lately. I forgot to call him Monday, like I said I would. I made no effort to call yesterday. He wrote hurtful things about me. He thinks now that I am friends with the people that he is close to, I no longer need him. That he has been replaced. That I don't care.

Well, ouch. That hurt. He thinks that's bad. I forgot for the first time since the 6th grade, to call my friend in Florida and wish her happy birthday. Now, that's bad.

I called. I didn't want too after that, but did. He didn't answer (I know he's home). I left a message. I will try tomorrow.

Ok, well. Pity party over. I'm off for tacos before work.

Fucking Fucker...

Fuck Barry Bonds...

Leave Me Alone...

I am in movie heaven. Distrubia and 300 came in the mail today. Distrubia is already in the DVD player.

I'll see you cats later!

The Night In Pictures...

Foiled Again...

I was about to ramble on about my 90's music dream come true (I saw the Gin Blossoms tonight) and then it hit me.

I have kitties to attend to.

Away I go. Maybe tomorrow.

I Like His Style...

Sandy Meowfax likes Tortellini Alfredo.

Me too.

He Is Really Bad At This Game...

Are you ready for an update in the boy story?

So, he's always giving me crap about working so late and we can never hang out, well, Monday I was done at 8 and asked if he wanted to see a movie. I didn't hear from him all day, so I guessed that was a no. He happens to call me just as I am getting home to ask if I wanted to do something. I get to the top of my stairs to discover that my roommate has dead bolted me out of the apartment. I could not seem to wake him, so I explained to boy that until I had this resolved plans were on hold.

Instead of melting in the heat, I walked down by Bartender, because his bar is air conditioned, and attempted to wake the roommate. 30 minutes later, the door was unlocked. I let boy know I would be over as soon as I changed clothes.

"I have friends over now."

"Oh. Um. Ok maybe this weekend?"

He calls to tell me that he doesn't actually have friends over...yet. But he might. His friend is a girl visiting from Canada and doesn't have a cell phone so he can't confirm plans with her. But, he'll call me at 10 if she doesn't show.

No real plans are made. I continue to hang out with Bartender, since I have no where to be. Since neither of us has bought his sister's birthday present, I have been sent to purchase them. Bartender keeps mentioning that Boy should probably had said something to the effect of his friend being his one eyed cousin just to smooth things over. It is decided that should Boy call and try to make plans I am not going. I brush it off and head on my mission.

While shopping, Boy calls. His friend wants to go shoot pool. Do I want to come? Um...no. Ok, so I agree to meet them (stupid girl).

I KID YOU NOT. 5 minutes later, "She changed her mind, we are going to hang out here. Wanna do something tomorrow?"

"I'm sort of busy."

"Maybe another day?"

I commit to nothing because I am bitter.

I retell the story to Bartender, and he asks what I was doing the next day that I couldn't hang out with him. I work at 5, so there was no reason I couldn't hang out during the day. I was just being pissy.

Well, fast forward to 10 am yesterday. I am laying on the floor in my living room in front of a box fan wearing the least amount of clothing possible and just trying not to melt and he texts to ask how my day is. I describe the situation and his reply is...

"I have air... wanna come over?"

I don't reply for several minutes.

"I'm getting in the shower. Be ready in 30 minutes."

We watch Donnie Darko (first time for me, what a mind fuck), and we have lots of little 3rd grade flirty moments. Accidental hand brushings, sliding closer on the couch....JUST PULL THE TRIGGER DUDE. You got me here....obviously, you've been green lighted.

Well, we took a break from movies to hang a curtain. So here we are...standing on his bed. I go to get off and lose my footing and fall over. Ok. So dude, I'm laying on your bed... this seems like the perfect time to mention your girlfriend (she's not a girlfriend!). Frustrated I roll off the bed and shuffle to the couch. We are sitting there talking and he asks if he can put Star Wars on in the back ground. Now, you might be thinking...what a geek. What you don't know is, I have ever seen Star Wars. Not a single solitary minute of any of them. The more people freak out about me not seeing it...the funnier it is for me to not see it.

I caved. I sat and watched one hour of New Hope. I'm not impressed. But ok. I will end up seeing all of them, so I can say I have finally.

Ok whatever, he drives me home, says he'll call me later.

OH WHAT THE HELL! Dude, I keep coming over....clearly the girlfriend doesn't bother me. What is the hold up?!


He is sooo bad at this game!!

A Hypocrite, Maybe...

I hate winter with a passion. However, I could use a break from the daily 90 degree heat. My living over a bakery, not air conditioned existence could use a break.

I Wish It Would Break...

The little glass house that Princess Melly lives in, that it.

I get so frustrated at how the world revolves around her. People how are normally considerate and alot of fun to be around...just become drones in her presence and it's frustrating.

I'm sick of not existing in my own life. It's too a point that I now have to take someone who is immune to the gravitational pull of Melly when I go out or I end up sitting by myself with an opinion that doesn't matter. It sucks.

Serena Meowerson...

Also sometimes referred to as Svetlana or Snuggles.

And The Bitch Stole My Sunglasses...

I don't even know where to start. I am not having a good week.

Alright here goes, it's a long one. If you make it to the end, I give you a cookie.

So, Josh and I were to play some pool Monday night. I found it odd that I never heard from him. He called hours later to say that he was at home sleeping because he had to drive Daisha to Minneaplois and back that night to drop her off at the airport and be back for work at ten Tuesday morning. Well, seeing as how he had to be at work at 10, I offered to ride along despite the fact that I work on Tuesday. I needed to be at work at 2, so I figured I was more then golden. We make plans to meet up.

So, I get there and we sit and wait an extra hour for Daisha. Josh told her we needed to leave by one to get him back in time, so...12:30 was the plan. She showed up at 1:30.

We get all loaded we get gas, and are on the way. Well, she misses the exit to 51 (who misses highway 51!?!), we end up taking 8. This owrks out well, because everytime I have gone to the cities, I have taken 8. I knew Highway 8 like tha back of my hand, so once she started complaining about not being able to keep her eyes open and began swerving I offered to drive. This also worked out for us, because she never went any faster then 55 once behind the wheel. So me driving was a chance to make up some time.

It's at this point I must mention that her brother...not smelling so fresh. 80% humidity was not helping.

So drivers are switched and she crawls into the backseat, for what is assumed to be a nap.

"Wanna watch Family Guy, Josh?"

And she proceeds to get out some rather large electric cords. She was attempting to set up a desktop computer in the backseat of this Jeep. OOOOH! OOOH! Ask me how she was attempting to power this up! A fucking cigarette light powered adapater. She sincerely thought that enough power would come from this to run an entire desktop computer.

Well, it quickly became obvious that it wasn't the Family Guy she was after. She had purchased herself a brand spanking new Zen that day. She also failed to load anything to it, so...She was planning on setting it up in the car!! Well, in her frustrations of the computer to working it dawned on her, that she had no idea where this MP3 layer actually was. Soooo....she began ripping apart all of the luggage that her and her brother had packed, while zipping down the highway at 85 mph at 4 in the morning. Somewhere in there, there was screeching phone calls to her mother, lots of angry rantings about not wanting to go anymore. Blah Blah Blah AHHHHH!!!!

Meanwhile, all this is going on and Josh is trying to get some sleep, he knows I am going to need help driving home, and he is tired. Well, you can't nap with an adult child throwing a temper tantrum in the seat next to you, nor is it possible to nap, while holding the processor of a desk top computer on your lap. I announce that we are pulling over for a strech break in the next town and Josh is to get in the front seat. All fine and good. Josh climbs up front...we are on the way.

More bitching takes place about this goddamn mp3 player and about how it's unknown where abouts are ruining her move to New Zeland. As we are getting close to the Minnesota border, I ask what freeway to take.

"I dunno. 94 something."

"Is it 94, 394, 494, or 694?"

"Don't they all intersect anyway, just take one."

I look at Josh and you can tell I am begining to wear down, we both are. Still we say nothing.

More bitching, continued fussing about not going, and such...angry outburst at her brother...it is esclating rapidly over something so stupid.

Potty stop. Josh and I go into the gas station and just vent. Out only expression, "She's getting on the fucking plane."

She comes in and announces she needs some alone time and has found the stupid mp3 player. Fine whatever, lets go.

"Well, if Josh is willing to spare some time we can stop and get some hot breakfast."

His only response, "He isn't. I have to work."

Once back at the car, she announces she is sitting in front to attempt to repack everything. Whatever. Stop talking. All of her stuff is in the back, so sitting in the front makes sense. Before the car even moves, guess what?! She lost the fucking player AGAIN! This time, we know it's in the car, so I make no attempt to slow down...

As me approach the cities and she continues bitching and crying and throwing an all out temper tantrum...I discover I have missed something along the way as we have driven past the Metrodome. She's next to me on the phone damn near screaming at her mother to change the flights, because she isn't going. She's going home.

Josh leans forward and announces he's about had it. Again, all I say is, "You are getting on the plane."

I call and wake up Melanie. I need directions it's 5:30 in the morning. She was not happy. Somewhere between Daisha screaming in the phone at her mother and Melanie just telling me to look for the mall, we again get turned around. For the record, the direction we came....No signs for fucking anything.

Stop at a gas station, get directions. Turns out bad directions. Continued yelling and bitching from the passeneger seat. I call the other Josh who knows the Cities like no one else, he's going to tell me directions, I am going to say them out loud and Josh is going to repeat them back. Daisha again gets on the phone to her mother and begins the screaming/crying cycle all over again. Josh was unable to hear any of the directions. At this time, I am so pissed, I don't even care what time it is. It's 6:30. I pull over and ask some dude for directions. I get told, "You are one angry white girl." No shit.

He's given me directions and I hear commotion behind me in the vehicle. I get the directions and turn to head back to the car to find Daisha in the driver's seat. I look at Josh who terrifyingly looks at me and shrugs. Ok. I climb in, no longer caring. Guy comes over give her directions. She makes no attempt to even listen. She's more concerned with her map. Well, she figures she got it all firgured out....tears out of the parking lot and cuts off some guy in a BMW. We are not in a good neighborhood to be doing this. I ask her to pay more attention, she gives me attitude. Well, the nice guy sensing there were problems, pulled ahead of us and had us follow him. He took us as far as he could and pointed us damn near to the exit. Which she missed. She drove around for at least another hour before pulling over to check her precious map. I jump out of the car and tell her brother to get in front. He stares at me blankly. At this point in time, Josh also hets out of the car to begin his angry pace walk. As he is walking away he hears me scream..."Get your fucking ass in the goddamn front seat of the car right fucking now." Finally he gets the message.

I call Neale and am bitching up a storm to him and he is trying to calm me down. Josh begins walking towards me still on the phone, just as Daisha gets out of the car and starts walking towards me.

I get asked, "What is your problem?" Oh no she did not! I begin screaming at this girl at the top of my lungs about how inconsiderate she is being and how fucking unorganized some moving to another country is. Josh promptly walks away to let us have it out.

Granted she doesn't have us in the best neighborhood for two white girls to be screaming at each other. I finally have to tell her several times that for her own safety, she has to go talk to Josh, because I am not afraid to punch her.

She goes over by Josh who blows her off, because he is on the phone. She gets back in the car. Josh will tell you that at this point in time, the gods sent us a gift. A taxi pulls into the parking lot and just sits there. No passengers, just sits there. Josh tries to explain to her that this is a good idea. The cab driver knows where he is going. We could get home from here...GOOD IDEA ALL AROUND.

No so, after swearing she knows where she is, Josh telling her she's full of shit and such, he tells me to get back in the car. She proceeds to instantly not know where she is going. At this point in time, I know I'm fucked. I call the store, explain my situation. They are ok with it.

Daisha begins mumbling shit about me in the front seat to which Josh and I both responded by putting on our headphones and fucking with our phones. I lean up against him and he make it very clear that since we are both fucked, we don't give a shit anymore. We are also no longer being nice, if we have something to say....we say it. Fuck it. She complains about the sun being in her eyes, I loan her my sunglasses. I ask her not to take them on the plane.

8 rolls around and Josh recomends the cab again. Her flight leaves at 9....they have already missed check in. Some how, by some retarded accicent she finds the right exit. We pull up to curb side drop off and basically push them out. She of course, though, still has to re pack every fucking thing.

At this point we also comment that she should probably give us gas money since we spent three hours burning gas driving around the city. Essentially, the gas to get home. She gives us $20. WHAT THE FUCK!

Driving away from the airport, "Fuck Josh. She has my sunglasses."
Since the mall is basically across the street, we go there. A milion food choices. NOTHING IS FUCKING OPEN. We walk around a little bit, snap a few dumb pictures and are on our way.

The rest of the trip is really quite uneventful, it's spent mostly bitching about how retarded she was. Josh and I had a nice drive home. I wish I could make you understand how horrible this trip that should have only taken 8 hours, that turned into 13 was. I don't think you can really graps the words on the page.

Well, the drama continued this morning as my mother called ranting on my voicemail to me about how irresponsible I am being because I am more concerned about running around with my little friends then working and taking care of myself. FUCK! How is this any of her business?! Second of all, there should have been no reason that I had to miss work at all....And lastly, stay the fuck out of my business, it's not her life....it's mine.

I am a peace loving person and rarely speak out when I am frustrated, but I can honestly say, I never want to see this girl again. What a rotten individual. I don't care if she reads all of this or not, but she deserves to know how horrid she made people.

And with that, I am off to the shower.

**I simply don't feel like changing any names....so there***

A Break In The Clouds...

I'm not really going to go into details, because some of you simply don't care. But, it's get out of debt day for June. I feel better then I have since in ages. I have my closure with the bank.

Are times and money going to be tight still sometimes? Yes.

Am I still going to think back and wish I had done a few things differently? Oh yes.

Are there going to be times I wish I still had my cushy job? No doubt.

Would I take back my same job with a pay raise? Under no circumstances.

Dave said to me Saturday night, "I can't remember the last time I have seen you honestly smile. I forget how beautiful it is."

I'm smiling today. I'm paying bills. It shouldn't be a happy time, but oh my...I'm just alive with glee. I'm taking my life back. It's a great feeling.

OH, and I saw a box of free kittens today....I may go back. But Katie will try to steal Sandy Meowfax thou...

The Plot...Thickens,,,,

Well, I went yesterday. I had a really nice time yesterday. We went to see Harry Potter, we sat and talked, it was nice. Afterward, I had to leave because I had dinner plans with a friend, but as soon as I left he invited me for more even activites with his friends. I was unable to meet up for that but he did meet me at the bar after softball to shoot a couple games of pool.

I will explain it later, but I consider his relationship status to be one one that is a weak story. He met her on-line and she lives in Central IL. I don't consider someone he doesn't even see on a casual basis to be something of a situation for me to deal with.

So, I don't think I am going to change my course of actions.

Just When You Thought I Couldn't Get Any Dumber...

I am going over to his house today.

Yup, That's About Right...

Right after, he asked me to a movie, I get this.

"I have an interesting relationship story. But the bulk of it is, I am not single."

Excuse me while I play in traffic.

How Does That Work...

There's more food in my cupboard for the cats then me. There's less then a quarter tank of gas in my car. There's a stack of bills I can't pay. I think I need to look for moving boxes. My checking account balance is single digits.

But one text message from him, and I am grinning like a school girl. I think I have a crush.

Oh, He Is Good...

A quote from the new boy...

"You have a charisma about you that demands attention."

It's been awhile since I have been complimented by the opposite sex in such a way I had no reply. He said some other things that were also really nice....but this one stands out to me tonight.

A Flashback...

Why does today's Japanese earthquake that is causing problems at a nuclear plant, remind me of this 1986 nuclear disaster?

It makes me heart sad to think of the possible disaster for years to come from even such a small breach. Did you not see Erin Brochovich?

A Bummer Still...

Despite the fact that I knew it probably wasn't happening, I was still very bummed when I got the letter denying my claim for unemployment.

I really could use that money right now. I'm in a bit of a pinch and money is tight. I could have used a check today to play the bills that I haven't really been paying in the last month.

I'm going to have to get used to a whole other way of life right now with cash being what it is. I haven't had this little of income since years before I moved out of my mother's house.

*sigh* I am not exactly sure what I am going to do right now.

Like All Great Stories...

This one's about a boy.

So there's this boy. He used to date the sister of a friend I am very close with. He also happens to be the friend of someone I dated a few times off and on for the last year or so. Someone I know socially at least. Well, he sought me out the other day. There's been some mild flirting...just some fun. Nothing worth mentioning yet really, but worth mentioning if that makes sense.

Anyway, I was talking to Bartender about this boy and it occurred to me that I have actually put road blocks up to avoid being in relationships. I hate not being in control. And sometimes, you can't control everything in a relationship.

Well, with as depressed as I have been lately, I am thinking that maybe giving up a little control and letting myself be open to the little "pick me up" situation, might not be such a bad thing.

Oh My...

Who gave Bret Michaels his own reality show?!

Are There Rules For This Sort Of Thing...

Can you date the ex of a friend's sister if you were never close with the sister, in the first place? And the sister has clearly moved on?

Is that ok? Am I allowed to do that?

And Then It Hit Me...

One time, not so long ago...I had a dinner party and it was fun.

One day last week, I had talks of hosting Thanksgiving dinner for my friends. One holiday, no families...just friends. I wonder if that would work.

So what do you all say?

Thanksgiving dinner at my house or dinner/wine party like last time?

Happy Happy...

I hope you have a great holiday!!

Why Haven't You Gone Yet...

If you haven't seen Transformers yet, stop everything. Stop reading this. Go see it now.

Why are you still reading this?

Gimme A Fucking Break...

I just balanced my checkbook. Just paying Rent and WPS....I have nothing left for the next two weeks.

Nothing. I don't have a single cent to my name.

Despite the fact that it was free, I should be glad my friends all bailed on Sister Hazel.

Hard To Say What It Is I See In You...

I'm going to see Sister Hazel tonight!

Ponderingment...

Yes. It's a word.

Should I start blogging about my adventures as a hotel "Clubhouse" hostess?

Am I A Gay Man Trapped In A Woman's Body...

I so want to go see them.

Bitch, Please...

Avril, You go and release a completely girl fun song like "Girlfriend", and you have to follow it up with some sappy ballad to prove you are a serious artist.

What a buzzkill in the morning.

Because I Thought You'd Like To Know...

I love my kitties, Sandy Meowfax and Svetlana Meowerson.

I do love them.

Finally...

I needed some good news today. I got a letter from school this morning, so instantly this feeling of dread sets in. I had such an ordeal last summer just getting registered that I couldn't imagine this to be good news.

It was my student lon letter. I was awarded enough in subsidized loans to cover the Fall semster completely including books. If I watch it pretty closely, I can probably get a little to spill over into the spring semester. Which is going to be expensive.

I logged in to check my GPA at the same time to find that my Ethics teacher bumped my grade up to an A.

All of that has almost made me completely forget about the horrible experience that was my first post employment bank experience.

Poopyity poop. I am hungry as hell and didn't really plan on that happening today. LOL. It's too warm in my house to want to eat. But sitting here in the air conditioned laundromat, hungry has certainly hit me.

Seriously...

I was hoping someone would have "offed" Miss Hilton whilest in jail.

Fan-Fucking-Tastic...

It appears I failed to pay my one credit card bill last month in the whole lost card commotion.

End result: $60 in fees.

My Life Comes Crashing Down...

I went on my annual camping trip this weekend. I really couldn't afford to go but such is life I guess.

I had a nice time with my friends. It was funny to see how we have all changed and are in very different spots in our life right now. It's strange.

I left feeling very relaxed with the exception of my allergies trying to end my life this weekend...but you know, that's my own fault.

My life was waiting for me today when I got home. There are dishes to do. Liter boxes to clean. Such and such. My termination packet was still on the table where it's been sitting since I got it. I paid the bills I was putting off to feel like I had money. I filed for the unemployment I know I am going to get denied for. The bank called again today. Seems Karen (the branch manager) wanted to take me to lunch this week. Get this..."Because she is worried about me." Fuck that. She wants to clear her guilt. That's all she wants. In the end, she made the call to fire me, she knows I can't afford to be without that extra income. It all makes me wish this wasn't my life sometimes.

I hate this all right now. So if I seem busy, it's because I am trying not to remember how much I hurt right now.

She's Pumping Up The Party...

Joe bought the Hannah Montana for himself tonight. LOL

Taking The Long Way...

I got my termination packet from the bank today. They are docking my paycheck 10 hours. Apparently, I took more vacation time then I was entitled to. I am sorry...but that's bullshit. I just feel like I have been punched in the stomache.

Fuck them.

Wal-mart has been pretty cool right now. I am working full-time hours 4 days this week. That'll really help with money. I start my new second job next week. I will be hostessing at the restaurant that Melly works at. It's just two days a week and money isn't great...but *shrugs*. I need all the money I can gets. Ya know. I am also needing more Wal-mart apparel since all my clothes are too nice to wear there...so I need to shop.

I am having a hard time shopping right now, because I know money is going to be tight.

Ug. Well, I watched Shut Up and Sing today. It was really enjoyable. It was about the fall out that the Dixie Chicks experienced after their freedom of speech issues.

Major Bummer...

"Hi, it's me. I just woke up."

"Well, um."

"I am aware of what this means. I haven't even had time to get in the shower yet, so since you are firing me, or suspending me I have no urge to get on work clothes and be sent home."

"I have to talk it over with Karen."

"Well, I am going to get in the shower and call you back."

Post shower...

"This is out of my control"

"I'm aware."

"We need you to bring in your keys and any bank materials you may have at home."

I was fired this morning. I overslept. Being fired didn't shock me. I knew it was going to happen. Cleaning out my work station was really depressing though. That's too bad. I haven't cried yet. I should. I am upset, but I don't know if I am going to cry about it. I was 3 weeks away from being fully vested in my 401k. The extra sleep wasn't worth the 6 grand I lost this morning.

I just lost 6 years of my life today, for nothing.

I have already been to the store to see about picking up some more hours...I could work at the Claridge, if I wanted to and Katie can probably give me some hours at Pat's so you know...I'm sure it'll all work out.

It's making it really hard to get excited about going out of town this weekend.

Movie Mumblings...

Hostel 2 = big bag of suck.

Oh. My. God. ...

The Gin Blossoms are going to be in the next city over. I am so excited, I might actually pee.

In addition to them, I am probably going to see The Wreckers and Maroon 5 (if they ever annouce tour dates) in my near future.

I am pumped.

Brace Yourself...

Trishy trish wants to go to the KG. The most tragically fantastic nightmare of a bar ever. OHMY! I hope I have shenanigans to post in the morning.

Oh, She Is Going To Lose That Baby...

As in, actually misplace the child.

Kiki came to find me last night. She dropped the bomb on me. She's going to be a Mommy!

I just kind of sat there for a minute. Once I saw how happy she was, I couldn't help but smile for her.

I couldn't keep my eyes from scanning the newer, softer curves my dear friend is sporting. Code: HER BOOBIES ARE HUGE!

I am not going to lie. She's the last person that anyway expected would be having a child anytime soon. All I could think laying in bed was, well, I guess it's a good thing her life plan changed.

Remind me to tell you about Chad law later today. It's totally in play here.

They Aren't Your Friends, They Are Zombies. They Just Want To Eat You...

So...It has been pointed out to me that there is a T Virus outbreak.

A large portion of my friends are suddenly ill, some worse then others. Some in the hospital. I hope the Bartender is ok. But I imagine he is seeing as how I just got a text that read...

"Room 2236 bring tacos"

Zombies. Sweet. I am finally going to be in a movie!

Movie Mumblings...

So yesterday I pulled a double feature movie day.

Ocean's 13 - Not exactly a movie you go see because it's going to win an Oscar anytime soon. You go simply to be entertained. That I was. I do love the movie sin this series and it always helps when you are insanely attracted to most of the cast.

Knocked Up - Easily the most entertaining chick flick I have seen in some time. I loved this. This is the first movie that I have sat in the dark and thought to myself, "I must own this movie". It was fantastic. I laughed my ass off.

The Best Way To Start A Sentence...

So, I was surfing Barry Manilow's Myspace page, and OMG! Lots of freakshow to be found on there.

It Happens Just Like That...

Today I received the greatest news. I stopped home from on lunch today after dining on some delish tacos from my favorite tavern and had a giant envelope from UW-Madison.

Today I got my acceptance letter.

I cried. I don't have time to explain the details of the program right now, but life is good.

A Wedding Photo...

Are You Ready To Jump...

There are big changes on the way for me. Scary changes

What A Day...

I'm only operating at about 87% today. I stopped at the Winchester last night to talk to Bartender, only to find him sitting at the bar. Well, one thing led to another and in a short amount of time, Davey had me drunk. And you know, that was fine. I don't work for a little bit yet, so who cares.


Well, Bartender's girlfriend yesterday accused me of being an alcoholic. Not just me, but Bartender too. I went into a blind rage. How dare she! This girl doesn't even know me really.

So, in true alcoholic fashion, I went to the bar. Bartender knew what she said, so I am assuming she attempted some damage control and pleaded her case to him. He said, that while she didn't mean to imply that, he understands where I am coming from. Also admitted she had no right to judge either one of us. She doesn't know how often I sit there talking to him drinking Diet Coke.

Well, I am sure I'll get over it...but for now it's off to work.

But Hey...

At least the cats can be in the same room together now.

Oh...Casey Meowerson is the new cat's name.

And I Thought I Was Making Progress...

I got completely blindsided this morning. I was hauled into the office yet again today.

I didn't see this one coming. They have never caught me off guard before. In the whole "sometimes you are the windshield, sometimes you are the bug" analogy...I am the dead bug.

I thought I was making improvements at work. I thought I was really trying. Apparently, some improvements aren't enough. It was to be a complete over night change.

I started crying. Which I hate, I do not believe in weakness. It leaves you open for attack. I asked to go home at that point and take a vacation day. I was denied.

I was sat down and told that my efforts are simply not enough, my attitude has to change and that I am simply not pulling my fair share of work. Then they send me crying back to the teller line. But...I have attitude issues, so I am not allowed to be down at all because "We employ happy people."

Really, since when?

I don't know what else to do. My ass is too fat to flip the cartwheels they clearly are looking for. "I have a good job with good hours, so I should relish in that fact".

I don't know what to do. I can't really take a pay cut, I am already living by the skin of my teeth. I really have an insane amount of vacation time for being employed only 6 years there.

I just don't fucking know what to do anymore.

Bartender moved out of the building this week, I'm bummed about that. But he's coming over for our taco/movie date tonight. He grabs Taco Bell after he closes the bar and heads on over here to watch a movie.

A friend's mom passed away Wednesday. That sucks. I hate funerals.

An Actual Cat Fight...

So the roommate and I took on a second kitty to help out a friends.

New, yet unnamed kitty, is not getting along with Sandy Meowfax well at all.

Currently, No Name is kind of claiming the living room as his territory and Meowfax is sticking to my room.

Funny, thou...after 24 hour...I still have a clean liter box...

What Took Me So Long...

I have had The Departed since February from Netflix.

What a good movie.

Grades were posted Friday. I got a B in Psychology and a B+ in Ethics. It was good enough to pull my grade point above 2.0 finally!!! Yea me.

With This Ring...

That's Amore...

So here it is. The day my oldest brother marries his best friend. Today doesn't really change anything. They have been together so long, that life goes on as normal tomorrow.

The weather appears to be holding out right now. I wish I felt better about the dress I was wearing today. However, I feel pretty right now sitting here on my bed.

So for the happy couple on this happy day. I give you the lyrics to "Everything" by Michael Buble.

Joe and Barb - I love you both muchly!

You're a falling star
You're the getaway car
You're the line in the sand
When I go to far
You're the swimming pool
On an august day
And you're the perfect thing to see

And you play it coy but it's kinda cute
Oh when you smile at me you know exactly what you do
Baby don't pretend that you don't know it's true
Cause you can see it when I look at you

And in this crazy life
And through these crazy times
It's you
It's you
You make me sing
You're every line
You're every word
You're everything

You're a carousel
You're a wishing well
And you light me up
When you ring my bell
You're a mystery
You're from outer space
You're every minute of my every day

And I can't believe that I'm your man
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can
Whatever comes our way

We'll see it through
And you know that's what our love can do

And in this crazy life
And through these crazy times
It's you
It's you
You make me sing
You're every line
You're every word
You're everything

And so la la la la
So la la la la

And in this crazy life
And through these crazy times
It's you
It's you
You make me sing
You're every line
You're every word
You're everything

You're every song
And I sing along
Cause you're my everything

Yeah, yeah

So la la la la
So la la la la

I Should Be Flattered...

That I am the one that Wal-mart chooses to call in early every single night.

I'm really not entertained.

Boogie Down, My Friends...

As of 2 minutes ago, I am done with my first semester back at school.

Yay me.

Bend Over...

Can I be dramatic for a moment?

I would like to know why it is that the people who want things the most have the hardest time getting there? Hmm? Why the fuck is that?!

Needless to say, I got my letter from financial aid, telling me to fuck off.

I hate that I am getting punished for wanting to go back to school, having good paying jobs and being a responsible adult.

Maybe I will punch out a couple kids for next year, help this whole aid process along.

Fuck our system! It's seriously flawed.

If I Stay It Will Be Trouble...

I sat in my car outside the bank today staring at it until my shift began. It's almost as if I thought the answer to all my problems would come to me, if I just looked hard enough.

I feel as if the time has come to move on. But I don't know if I can afford it. I would have to take a substantial pay cut working almost anywhere and I would be walking away from an insane amount of vacation days.

I think about it this way. I have 21 paid vacation days. What about the other 344 days of the year? Just be miserable?

Am I brave enough to take the leap of faith that I would need to, and just walk away and risk everything? Or do I stay and try and make it work?