Much Better Representation...

This is a far better picture of him. He needs a new name. This Damien stuff will not do. I am leaning towards Chandler. But I open the floor to you from suggestions.

Well, That's Cool...

A picture I took got used in the bank's annual calendar.

It was kind of cool to see me name on the back cover.

It might not be much to you....but 5,000 homes are going to have a picture that I took hanging in it. That's huge for me.

And That's Cool Too...

I am just a mee 17 pounds away from my short term wieght goal.

I am pumped.

I Want One...

BabyGiggles gets cuter everytime I see him.

Like It's 1999...

There's a party in the works.

I am working on planning a porn party.

Yes, that's right. A porn party.

The idea is...everyone shows up in their pajamas (or they aren't let in) and any and all TV in the house must have porn playing on it. It's basically a party with porn in the background.

I am thinking muting the TV and having music...because I don't know how long I could listen to porn without freaking out.

But that's what is on the agenda for after my vacation...

Shithead...

Bartender thinks he's pretty smart now. Two weeks in a row he's driven me home from downtown. Tonight, I bargined with him. I was again outsmarted. He lied to me to get me in the car.

I think I'd be mad, if I didn't know it's because he cared.

Hello Kitty...

So, meet Satan. Well, his actual name is Damien. I think I am going to just call him kitty. I used to say that if I ever got a cat, I would name it Chandler. So, maybe.


Like I mentioned before, he is a loaner. As soon as Shanz comes back from her deployment in Iraq (she hasn't left yet), he goes back to his rightful owner.

Meow...

I think I am getting a cat.

He's a loaner...but a cat none the less.

A Public Service Announcement...

Keek has no internet at her apartment yet.

She asked that you all wait on baited breath for her glorious return to the blogging world.

I am sure it will be filled with the fluff and nonsense, we come to look forward to in Kikiland .

Confessions...

i am not:
ordinary.

i hurt:
inside right now.

i love:
easily and freely.

i hate:
the direction I have let my life go.

i hear:
the beat of my heart.

i crave:
food. I am damn hungry.

i regret:
not finishing school.

i cry:
alone.

i care:
too much about my friends sometimes.

i always:
have time for you

i long for:
the day when I can consider myself a sucess

i feel alone:
more then you know

i listen:
when others have stopped

i hide:
my addiction

i drive:
irresponsibliy

i sing:
whenever I can

i write:
words that you will never read

i breathe:
tarnished air, like the rest of you

i miss:
the way I used to feel

i learn:
quickly

i feel:
less and less important everyday

i fail:
only when I give up

i dream:
of a better life for you and me

i sleep:
rarely enough for it to count anymore

i wonder:
why everything has to be so hard right now

i want:
to be happy

i worry:
constantly

i have:
the best friends on earth

i give:
more of myself away then I should

i fight:
for those who need me

i need:
approx. $5,000

i am:
so sick of it all

i can't help the fact that i:
care too much

The Best Lunch Ever...

Whole Grain Wheat Bread
Roasted Red Pepper Hummus
Cucumbers
A Dash Of Salt

Now, that is a tasty sandwich.

WTF...

Why the hell is it so cold?

Why do I hate the new singles from both Beyonce and Fergie?

Chronicles Of The Still-Not College Bound...

So I got a letter from the Financial Aid office today. The letter informed me that I was approved for a student loan for the amount indicated in my award letter.

I never got an award letter. So, I called the Financial Aid office and they informed me that I was approved and cancelled in the same day. Apparently, the system automatically cancels your request if you are not registered for classes when it is input into the system.

Fuckers. I have to reapply again in a month after I am signed up for classes. Fuckers.

Snippets...

"Melly, don't eat that. It's for dogs." -spoken by me.

"You know what's funny. Dog biscuits taste exactly like you'd think." -spoken by Kristina.

Stranger Then Your Sympathy...

Sympathy is such a strange word. Webster's II New Riverside Dictionary (It's the one in the office) describes it as such.

1a. A relationship between individuals in which whatever affects the other in a similar way.
b. Mutual affection or understanding
2a. The capacity to share another's feelings
b. A feeling or expression of sorrow for another's distress or loss
c. Pity

It's funny how just adding another word changes it's whole meaning. Like making the word fuck it's suffix.

Ding ding ding! We have a winner. Option 2c. Pity. Sympathy Fuck. Pity. Same thing. Repeat it with me. Sympathy Fuck. Pity. Now repeat it over and over in your head for about 12 hours. That's emotional where I am at right now. Rock fucking bottom.

Now, you are probably sitting there with a perplexed look on your face, wondering what the hell is this girl talking about. Allow me to explain.

Melly and I were talking last night, and you know how conversation can wander when you are talking with friends....well, it wandered to making out with friends. And how in our group, it seems to happen a whole lot. I commented that I think Bartender and I are the only ones who haven't made out with each other.

"It's surprising because we all kind of expected it to have happened already."

"Why?" I asked puzzled.

"Oh, just all the time you two spend together and all the alcohol that was consumed this summer."

I didn't say anything more about the topic and moved on. Later in the evening, I looked at her and said, "You really thought Bartender and I were going to hook up."

"Everybody did. It's because you guys are together all the time. I could tell you something, but I shouldn't because you might repeat it and it will be obvious that it came from me."

Well, you can't start a sentence like that and not finish it. So, I pushed and pushed until flowed from her like a river.

"We were all sitting around one night at the NWL and the usual crowd was there. However, the two of you were absent. I was drunk and overheard someone ask about the two of you hooking up. The other person said that it hadn't happened yet, and if/when it did, it would have been or will be a sympathy fuck."

*Insert blind rage here*

I laughed it off and went back to what I was doing. I must have gotten deadly quiet because she commented on the silence. I told her that I was just really focused on what I was doing. I commented on the time shortly after and went into my bedroom to make it appear that I was getting ready for bed, hoping she would get the hint. She did leave rather quickly.

All I could think about all night long were those two little words. For being just words, they provided a substanial blow to my self-esteem. I kept thinking to myself about how no girl with a soul would or should say that to another girl. How mean of her to repeat that. I start rationalizing this. She is a girl with self-esteem issues that spill out in to the street. You have to watch where you step around this girl because it gets messy sometimes. I also have self-esteem issues. I am much more reserved about them. Most days, you'd never know by looking at me that I am just a scared, lonely little girl. Melly has it stamped on her forehead, "Take advantage of me. Pay me some attention, and I will give you my world. Use me and toss me aside for my friends to clean up" I can only imagine that on some level of her insane state of being she told me this to let my insecurities show and to make her feel a little better about herself. It was a blow I wasn't expecting, and I can't shake it.

I keep thinking to myself, "Is this what Bartender thinks of me and our friendship? Is that the kind of person he really is? Does he think I am deserving of his pity and a sympathy fuck? Which one of my 'friends' would say something like that? Who deserves a hit to the kidneys?"

But you know what, I don't need his fucking sympathy. I got some recently, all on my own, thank you very much. And it wasn't out of pity. So, I have mixed feelings today. I am upset by it, but I think more upset that she has her head so far up her ass that she wouldn't see how this could effect someone. It was so hurtful. It wasn't said with malice, but I clearly think the intent was there. I can't help but wonder if she is jealous of my friendship with Bartender.

You see the backstory there is that Melly and Bartender used to date. Twice actually. She allegedly cheated on him during one of their on times and he left her. Well, they remained fuck buddies for awhile. Lately, Bartender has been pulling away, he's moved on from that part of his life. He's tired of her drama, tired of her trying to no avail to climb him like a tree. Tired of being a supportive friend to a girl that just won't listen. He's just tired. She informed me once while drunk that he didn't love her anymore, because he loved me now. I filled the spot of female best friend and she was no longer needed. I was kidding around with him one night and mentioned that to him and he just replied, "I do love you more then her." So maybe she is just jealous.

The more I sit here all day wondering who exactly might have said this and who I should be mad at, it dawned on me. The only person I heard utter those horrid little words is Melly. The only person I have reason to be angry with is Melly. Melly is the one who displayed extraordinarily bad judgement. Melly is the one who actually administered the blow that broke me.

Girls suck. Boys are dumb but girls suck.

Um, What Do You Say to That...

Melly just said that one reason she wants her tonsils out is to give better head.

So boys, her surgery...all for you

Smatherings...

It's all over on this one.

I am approaching this two job thing a little different then the last time. When I worked for Radio Shack a few years back in my spare time, all I did was work. I never saw my friends, I never called anyone. I got up, went to the bank, went to Radio Shack and went home. Day after day. It was the same thing without any changes.

This time around I am making sure to squeeze life in there somewhere. And post first week, it seems to be ok. I am not overly-tired, cranky, or depressed. I am broke, but happy.

Sitting around my house this morning, I occurred to me how much I miss what my Sundays used to be. I miss alot of things. I miss my house being filled with friends and laughter. Don't get me wrong, my life is full of those things, just not my house. Right at this very second, I wish I was making breakfast for a bunch of 1/2 comatose people.

Sundays were a thing of beauty. I got up early. 6.30 am early so that the 3rd shifters could join us. We would all be there no matter how late we had stayed up or how icky we felt. I made so much food that we all ate til we burst. And then we sat around and played board games until the 3rd shifters couldn't hold their heads up anymore. I miss that.

I started this post when I left for work. I didn't finish it. It's now 4.30. I am back at the apartment for my lunch. What I made, isn't good, but it isn't terrible either. A can of tuna with mustard mixed together and spread on whole grain wheat bread. Dry. But health friendly.

I am actually pretty entertained by Wal-mart today. The CSM's are kissing my ass. The day is going by pretty fast.

Tonight, I have to stop by Annie's and drop off something. I am really not looking forward to it. She is kind of a pain in the ass lately. Now that we don't live together, we don't see all that much of each other. But I imagine she probably doesn't see much of anyone. She's not so great about the whole calling thing. She sits around waiting for her phone to ring and wonders why no one ever calls, when in reality, she herself never picks up the phone. I am not really wanting to go over there, but she did do me a favor and I should be grateful.

I have been getting gradually more excited for my vacation. 20 days. In 20 days, I will be in Southern California. I like the sound of that. I can't wait to see Xan too. I miss him oodles.


I don't know what else to say, so I am just not going to talk anymore.

Juicy's Day Off...

I had all day off yesterday. It was glorious. I hopped in the car and took off pretty early. I hung out with a couple of friends. Spent too much money. Ate good food. You know, the works.

I needed that. Especially since days off are kind of scattered right now.

Financially Unaided...

Well, I got a letter from the Financial Aid office today. Apparently, some of my paperwork did not make it to their office and more information is needed before they can see if they have any grants to offer me.

Why am I not surprised that my paperwork didn't make it there in it's complete state?

Why is this so hard?

Tales Of A Tuesday...

So I am broke, right?

Well, I babysat for Ray-ray tonight because I needed some extra cash. On the way home, I saw the NWL still open so, I stopped in for one drink to visit with Bartender Boy. Well, his roommate and a friend of ours came in and one drink turned into bar close.

I got a little drunk. I think it's the 25 hours worked in 2 days thing. I am tired, so those few drinks fucked me up a little.

Well, I get home and for whatever reason I called Bartender.

All I have to say about that conversation is this. I love semi-drunken 2 am phone calls. It was the most fun I have had on the phone in awhile. We went to lunch together today, I stopped by the bar, and still we had stuff to talk about for well over an hour.

I love calls like that!! What a great end to my night.

Spoil Me...

Take me to see "The Last Kiss".

It opens Friday and I want to go badly.I deserve it. I have been really good. And it's been a long week, it's only Tuesday.

Kudos To Juicy...

One of the managers (who I sort of know socially, by association) stopped me last night at the store to tell me how much they really appreciated the fact that I required so little training (3 hours) and was confidant enough to be left completely alone on the front end last night. And how they were really happy to have me back and how much he liked seeing my face around the store.

It's not alot but, it meant something to me.

The Best Worst Day Ever...

I screwed up bad at work last night. Kiki and I forgot to do a ton of stuff as part of the closing process last night.

I heard about it immediately upon my return to work this morning. My supervisor was horribly pissed off. She demanded that I put in writing why tasks were not completed. I am pretty sure they are not going to like the note I give them that reads the following...

I Forgot.

Yup, just one more reason they are going to hate me. But after she spent a crapload of time ripping me a new asshole, all I could do was laugh. It's funny. I fucked up. Bad. It was a mistake anyone could have made, unlikely, but possible. The only thing left to do was laugh.

The Bartender took me out to lunch today and was failing to see how me being in a shit ton of trouble was funny, and was convinced I am out of my mind. I couldn't stop giggling.

I stopped and saw the Fish before I headed back to work and broke into another fit of giggles. My tummy hurt before I got back to work from all the laughing.

The really funny part is, I closed again tonight. After I had already set the alarms, I looked up and saw that I had made the exact same mistake all over again. I just started laughing again. I was laughing so hard that I actually had to sit down on the curb. I actually had troulbe breathing. It was awesome.

The day was just building into this big pile of goo and all that was left to do was laugh it off.

Well, Not My Mom...

This mother traded completed homework for weed?!?!

Are we sure it's not this mother?

It's wasn't my mother, that's for sure. Pretty sure, I would have had better grades. I wonder if this option exsists once I start classes. That might be a pretty strong motivator.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA......

I am having the best worst day ever. No time to explain....but oy....all I can do is laugh. Details to follow.

But guess who is in town...

That's right. Dave Coulier. Uncle Joey from Full House.

HAHA!

What A Bitch...

The Bartender asked me to lunch for today. In payment for all the times I got ditched, I have an urge to stand him up today and I think it's totally justified.

But will I? Of course not. Would you turn down a free chinese dinner?

Five Years...

And I am still troubled.

Yup, That About Sums It Up...

Here's is Kiki. Mid birthday celebration. Looks like she's enjoying herself, doesn't she.



How am I getting away with posting this? Kiki has no internet at home, yet. She may never know this post exsists. Hehehe.

Fuck-A-Duck...

I finished all my training sessions (about 27) in about 3 hours. I was sent to lunch and I was basically set loose on a register. I had a trainer watching me for about 35 minutes...and then I was on my own.

I am tired and my legs really hurt. I have far too much to doo to lay down though.

And For An Ecore...

Now that I just dumped my noodles all over the floor, that were to be my lunch...

It seems only right that I then proceed to spill my milk all over myself.

An Ode To My Apartment...

My neighbor on the bedroom side of my apartment, plays electric guitar.

Happy Sunday Morning to me.

Suckage Of The Balls...

I forgot how much day 1 at Wal-mart sucks the balls.

So glad they called me LAST NIGHT and gave me a few hours notice that I was starting work this weekend.

But it's the weekend of the Lake Party. So, I may be showing up for day 2 a little hungover.

Maybe alot. I dunno.

Happy Birthday....

To the Joefish.

Go leave him happy thoughts!

Duck And Run...

I spent last night and will spend all of today avoiding the one or two people that inflict drama on my life.

Last night, was successful. I got to sleep and I just didn't answer the phone.

Today, starting the new job will also help. That's 8 hours, I have an actual excuse.

The Kidnapping Will Commence...

...at midnight.

Melly, the Bartender Boy and I are kidnapping Kiki at midnight to start her birthday celebrations as early as we can.

Nothing says 21st birthday like midnight karoake.

I stole Annie's camera that takes video, so maybe by morning I will have some AWESOME video to post.

Fuck-A-Duck...

Well, I totally called my financial aid results back in this post.

Based on the information we have on record for you,
you are not eligible for a Federal Pell Grant but you may be
eligible for other aid.  Your school will use your
EFC to determine your financial aid
eligibility for other federal grants,
loans, and work study, and possible
funding from your state and school.

Just wonderful. I love knowing that I am just barely making it on my own, but evidently, I can afford to put myself through school too.

Thirty- One...

The countdown begins.

In 31 days, I am going on vacation. 10 days in Southern California sound pretty good right about now. I imagine I should think about booking my hotel room pretty soon, huh?

I just have one question for you though.

Why am I not more excited?

Quality Over Quantity...

I just want one night of good sleep. I used to think that it wasn't unattainable. I am changing that line of thinking.

I am sleeping, don't get me wrong. But it won't be long until the insomnia has taken over again. I am at the gateway.

The first sign is always how I sleep. I wake up every hour and a half to two hours. It's always the same thing. I look at the clock and then I fall right back to sleep.

Well, that screws with you. I just want one night to sleep all the way through till early morning's light.

Ug. I am frustrated.

Oh Yea...

Happy Labor Day...

Every Right...

Last Saturday, I got blown off for lunch. I understood the reason, so I let it go. But I got blown off none the less.

Tuesday of last week, I got blown off for lunch. I understood the reason...yeah, yeah. You know how it goes.

Saturday, I got blown off for lunch. Apparently, each of us thought the other was going to call. Saturday night consisted of some light ass kissing...and plans were made for today.

And hey, guess what?

It's 2 in the afternoon and I am hungry because I didn't get lunch.

I have every right to be pissed off. Will I ever tell him I am pissed? Probably not.

A Quiet Return...

I picked up my camera this morning...and actually posted over on the photo blog.

A Message To A Few...

Here's how I feel about some people in my life right now.

To My Broken Hearted Friend...

You are beautiful. Your heart will heal. The hurt will pass. You will come out stronger.

Sweet like a kiss sharp like a razor blade
I find you when I'm close to the bottom
You can't appreciate the time it takes
To kick a love I always knew was kind of wrong
And as I'm putting out the flame
Somebody brings up your name

Baby baby baby bring me down
I want to be right where you are
Baby baby baby bring me down
You can look me in the eye and break my heart
Break my heart

Six AM unruffled pillow
Laughs out loud at my trusting heart
It's like I didn't see the penny
I missed the fountain by a couple yards
If you would only stay gone
Maybe I could move on

Baby baby baby bring me down
I want to be right where you are
Baby baby baby bring me down
You can look me in the eye and break my heart
Break my heart

Bring me down...

A Dilemma...

My "foster sister" just called. She wants me to watch my 7 year old neice Suzie and my 3 month old nephew Adam tonight. She wants to pay me in food stamps because she knows things have been tight for me.

Ok, Don't get me wrong. I love those kids. I would drop everything to hang out with Suzie. Ask anyone, she's my little girl. Everytime I have stopped over lately to see little Adam, he's been at someone else's house. He's not even 6 months old. It's not like he's hanging out at the mall, she just doesn't want the baby around evidently. I would love nothing more then to hang out with the kids.

I have a few problems with this situation.

• She's on food stamps. Apparently, the State is giving her so much aid that she can afford to toss it around. Stuff like this upsets me. I have this feeling I am going to get shafted on Financial Aid, and she can just give away the help she gets. Makes me wonder if I should apply for food stamps. At least, I'd appreciate the help.
  
• Allowing her to go out tonight is assisting in the possiblity of another child being brought into this world to allow her to continue milking the system. I saw her out last Saturday. I don't get it. She doesn't take care of herself all that well, so she's kind of a mess to look at. And yet, she was basically having sex on the dancefloor. I am a pretty girl, more then once in the last 24 hours I have been told I am not only beautiful but hot. I don't even get looked at?!? It doesn't compute for me.

On the other hand, babysitting would keep me home tonight, which would help the finance situation. I want to see the kids, but I don't think this is the way to get to spend sometime with them. Maybe I will just pick them up tomorrow for a few hours.

Because I Am Worth It...

I got offered the job tonight. Not surprising.

The shocking part is Wal-mart offered me $9/hr starting out to be a cashier.

That's not all that much less then I make at the bank.

That's certainly a step up from the $7/hr they were trying to offer.