Shut Up Butthead, I'm Trying To Score...

So I met up with Bartender today to vent about my Melly issue. It's been heavy on my mind all day. I can't get passed this. I have never been so hurt before. The situation was gone over a thousand times (because I wouldn't let it go), with a thousand different endings.

Was she drunk? Oh yes.

Do I think she would have asked the same thing sober? Oh yes, just would have worded it differently. She's just that selfish. It's sincerely about how everything looks. It's always about appearance with the shallow ones.

Here's the thing. The exact words came out of her mouth...

"I need you to lose weight before the wedding. I need "us" to be pretty."

There is no mistaking what exactly was meant by that. Which is really unfortunate, because I have been dealing with issues of feeling invisible amongst my beautiful friends. I felt like last night I wasn't pretty enough to be her friend. That me being there, all fat and unpretty, is actually going to be a belmish in her wedding album.

I don't have the best self-confidence in the world, I'll admit this. I think at one time I was a pretty girl. A girl that people took notice of, and then I got fat. I'm not ugly, but I am by no means a pretty girl. I promise you, that you would look right past me in a crowd and never even notice me. It's taken me a long time to accept this. A long time. Like with in the last year, I became ok with it. This week has pushed me back about a million steps.

It wouldn't be bad, but I just started going back to the gym, Monday. This happened yesterday. Part of me wants to let it roll of my (very large) back, and part of me just wants to have deep fried twinkies dipped in lard every day between now and the wedding.

I haven't really eaten all day, I have had a granola bar and 3/4 of a tossed salad. It's not that I am starving myself or anything, but the thought of food just makes me want to barf right now.

Am I Not Good Enough...

Melly and her boyfriend have begun to talk wedding plans, despite he hasn't asked that crucial question.

Last night she told me to lose weight before the wedding, because she wants "us" to be pretty for the wedding.

Um. I know I'm nothing much to look at, but fucking ouch.

I'm pretty upset at her right now, and her drunk ass doesn't even know it. Dumb, spoiled little bitch.

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone...

It occurred to me today, that all the joy is gone from my life. There is nothing that really excites me the way it used to. Things I used to love have lost all appeal. I have even said things like..."I have been tired since 2005." I can't remember the last time I got really excited about something and not felt some sort of feeling of dread along with it. Even dressing up and going out with my friends on halloween wasn't fun.

Where did the lights in my life go? When did I become a black hole of nothing? When did I start having depression issues? How long have I been like this? Can I take my life back?

I am going to the gym tonight. My clothes don't fit.

Now That's Cool...

I picked up my dress for the wedding and it's too big. I have never had that happen before.

An amazing feeling.

WOOT...

Today marks my first day of vacation, so Kiki and I went on a dress shopping mission today. I went to find a dress appropriate for an standing next to the Bunny in her upcoming wedding to my brother, the Fish. Well, that all went well...But here's the bread and butter of the day.

And um...we shopped for some other stuff...but HELLO! I was able to buy shirts a size or two smaller then the last time I shopped!

Yay me!

When Did Pizza Get So Good...

I haven't had pizza in a long time. This frozen cheese pizza is pretty tasty.

I could eat this whole damn thing if I don't walk away right now.

When did pizza start tasting so yummy?

Therapy At $32.95 a month...

I had an frustrating day. Nothing in particular. Just a million things destined to piss me off.

Well, I worked out until I forgot what I was mad about.

Now, the only things I feel are tired and hungry.