Stranger Then Your Sympathy...

Sympathy is such a strange word. Webster's II New Riverside Dictionary (It's the one in the office) describes it as such.

1a. A relationship between individuals in which whatever affects the other in a similar way.
b. Mutual affection or understanding
2a. The capacity to share another's feelings
b. A feeling or expression of sorrow for another's distress or loss
c. Pity

It's funny how just adding another word changes it's whole meaning. Like making the word fuck it's suffix.

Ding ding ding! We have a winner. Option 2c. Pity. Sympathy Fuck. Pity. Same thing. Repeat it with me. Sympathy Fuck. Pity. Now repeat it over and over in your head for about 12 hours. That's emotional where I am at right now. Rock fucking bottom.

Now, you are probably sitting there with a perplexed look on your face, wondering what the hell is this girl talking about. Allow me to explain.

Melly and I were talking last night, and you know how conversation can wander when you are talking with friends....well, it wandered to making out with friends. And how in our group, it seems to happen a whole lot. I commented that I think Bartender and I are the only ones who haven't made out with each other.

"It's surprising because we all kind of expected it to have happened already."

"Why?" I asked puzzled.

"Oh, just all the time you two spend together and all the alcohol that was consumed this summer."

I didn't say anything more about the topic and moved on. Later in the evening, I looked at her and said, "You really thought Bartender and I were going to hook up."

"Everybody did. It's because you guys are together all the time. I could tell you something, but I shouldn't because you might repeat it and it will be obvious that it came from me."

Well, you can't start a sentence like that and not finish it. So, I pushed and pushed until flowed from her like a river.

"We were all sitting around one night at the NWL and the usual crowd was there. However, the two of you were absent. I was drunk and overheard someone ask about the two of you hooking up. The other person said that it hadn't happened yet, and if/when it did, it would have been or will be a sympathy fuck."

*Insert blind rage here*

I laughed it off and went back to what I was doing. I must have gotten deadly quiet because she commented on the silence. I told her that I was just really focused on what I was doing. I commented on the time shortly after and went into my bedroom to make it appear that I was getting ready for bed, hoping she would get the hint. She did leave rather quickly.

All I could think about all night long were those two little words. For being just words, they provided a substanial blow to my self-esteem. I kept thinking to myself about how no girl with a soul would or should say that to another girl. How mean of her to repeat that. I start rationalizing this. She is a girl with self-esteem issues that spill out in to the street. You have to watch where you step around this girl because it gets messy sometimes. I also have self-esteem issues. I am much more reserved about them. Most days, you'd never know by looking at me that I am just a scared, lonely little girl. Melly has it stamped on her forehead, "Take advantage of me. Pay me some attention, and I will give you my world. Use me and toss me aside for my friends to clean up" I can only imagine that on some level of her insane state of being she told me this to let my insecurities show and to make her feel a little better about herself. It was a blow I wasn't expecting, and I can't shake it.

I keep thinking to myself, "Is this what Bartender thinks of me and our friendship? Is that the kind of person he really is? Does he think I am deserving of his pity and a sympathy fuck? Which one of my 'friends' would say something like that? Who deserves a hit to the kidneys?"

But you know what, I don't need his fucking sympathy. I got some recently, all on my own, thank you very much. And it wasn't out of pity. So, I have mixed feelings today. I am upset by it, but I think more upset that she has her head so far up her ass that she wouldn't see how this could effect someone. It was so hurtful. It wasn't said with malice, but I clearly think the intent was there. I can't help but wonder if she is jealous of my friendship with Bartender.

You see the backstory there is that Melly and Bartender used to date. Twice actually. She allegedly cheated on him during one of their on times and he left her. Well, they remained fuck buddies for awhile. Lately, Bartender has been pulling away, he's moved on from that part of his life. He's tired of her drama, tired of her trying to no avail to climb him like a tree. Tired of being a supportive friend to a girl that just won't listen. He's just tired. She informed me once while drunk that he didn't love her anymore, because he loved me now. I filled the spot of female best friend and she was no longer needed. I was kidding around with him one night and mentioned that to him and he just replied, "I do love you more then her." So maybe she is just jealous.

The more I sit here all day wondering who exactly might have said this and who I should be mad at, it dawned on me. The only person I heard utter those horrid little words is Melly. The only person I have reason to be angry with is Melly. Melly is the one who displayed extraordinarily bad judgement. Melly is the one who actually administered the blow that broke me.

Girls suck. Boys are dumb but girls suck.