Shut Up Butthead, I'm Trying To Score...

So I met up with Bartender today to vent about my Melly issue. It's been heavy on my mind all day. I can't get passed this. I have never been so hurt before. The situation was gone over a thousand times (because I wouldn't let it go), with a thousand different endings.

Was she drunk? Oh yes.

Do I think she would have asked the same thing sober? Oh yes, just would have worded it differently. She's just that selfish. It's sincerely about how everything looks. It's always about appearance with the shallow ones.

Here's the thing. The exact words came out of her mouth...

"I need you to lose weight before the wedding. I need "us" to be pretty."

There is no mistaking what exactly was meant by that. Which is really unfortunate, because I have been dealing with issues of feeling invisible amongst my beautiful friends. I felt like last night I wasn't pretty enough to be her friend. That me being there, all fat and unpretty, is actually going to be a belmish in her wedding album.

I don't have the best self-confidence in the world, I'll admit this. I think at one time I was a pretty girl. A girl that people took notice of, and then I got fat. I'm not ugly, but I am by no means a pretty girl. I promise you, that you would look right past me in a crowd and never even notice me. It's taken me a long time to accept this. A long time. Like with in the last year, I became ok with it. This week has pushed me back about a million steps.

It wouldn't be bad, but I just started going back to the gym, Monday. This happened yesterday. Part of me wants to let it roll of my (very large) back, and part of me just wants to have deep fried twinkies dipped in lard every day between now and the wedding.

I haven't really eaten all day, I have had a granola bar and 3/4 of a tossed salad. It's not that I am starving myself or anything, but the thought of food just makes me want to barf right now.