Well, That's A First...

I stood outside my apartment and watched a guy I know, who insisted on driving to my apartment, get arrested for drunk driving.

8 Seconds Left In Overtime...

I need to start buckling down. My 3rd class just started last night, and I may be screwed.

Post Number 1250...

I am discontent tonight.

Or maybe just overwhelmed.

Who knows?

A Series Of Unfortunate Events...

The boys that live here, that don't actually pay to live here...are about to suffer their timely deaths and have no idea it's coming.

Movie Mumblings...

The Last Kiss - I love Zack Braff. Good movie.

Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants - Girly girl goodness.

The Farce of The Penguin - WHAT THE FUCK? Why can't I stop watching? And laughing!

Movie Mumblings...

Idiocracy - Funny shit. Both my roommate and I were entertained as hell by this.

The Wedding Date - I spent most of yesterday with Bartender's former sister in law, and she asked that we watch this. The movie gets cuter every time I see it.

Strange Then Fiction - Rock on. I was not sure what to think of Will Ferrel in this role, but OH MY! I loved this film.

Battle Of The Sexy...

I cannot decide which of my two friends brings the sexy to the table better...

**Update** 4.04am 3/24/07
At the request of the two pictured, We now must open the lines to voting as to the hotter of the two.

Your thoughts?

Seeing Is Believing...

Ordinarily, I would be pretty sarcastic and cynical about this, but there was much appreciated cash on my check that I wasn't expecting.

Wait, How Long Was I Gone...

I left for 3 days. Instead of missing out on the drama, it piled up at my front door. It was all still waiting for me when I got home. Only it seems worse, when I have 3 days to deal with instead of dealing with it as it comes along.

I guess, I have my work cut out for me.

*sigh* It never really ends as long as I live here, does it?

Skinnyfat...

I came across a blog written by one of my favorite pop band's leader singer. I just felt I had to repost it.

Skinnyfat

This is a scary thing to admit. It was hard to say out loud, but I imagine it will be even harder to see in print. However, in the spirit of honesty, I said I would keep you in the loop with me. And so I will.

You might think I'm being silly when I say this, but I'm telling you that I am dead serious.

I am addicted to food.

Sounds stupid, even impossible, but the truth of it is, food has been my drug of choice for the past few years. I will tell you some things about me right now that even my closest friends don't know.

Over the past 18 months, I have gained and lost the same twenty pounds at least four times. Some of you have seen me at my heaviest, few of you have seen me at my thinnest.

I have always thought of food as my friend. It was the one relationship in my life that didn't demand anything from me, that didn't criticize me, that never told me anything I didn't want hear. It was there in the morning, it was there late at night, it was just blessedly, endlessly there for me anytime I wanted to feel numb. I have gone out to dinner with people and ordered a salad-then gone home and eaten in secret until I was sick with the shame of what I was doing. I have hidden the evidence deep in the trash and in the back of the closet.

Don't be mistaken: I have NEVER EVER eaten and forced myself to throw up. I have, on occasion, eaten an extremely limited diet to get off the weight I put on, but ONLY under the supervision of a personal trainer and nutritionist.

I'm sure this sounds odd coming from me, as I have always championed being proud of who you are, no matter what you weigh or how you look. But then, we all have our demons-and I thought maybe sharing mine would help some of you with yours.

The past year has been a wonderful time for my career, and I accomplished many things that I had only ever dreamed about. But along with success come tremendous pressure-to keep it up, to take it to the next level, to control the things that, in reality, only fate can control. Who do you think has been my closest friend all this time? Food. And yet, it's my worst enemy. Food and I are like two boxers in a ring-at any given time, one of us might be in charge of the fight-but neither of us ever goes down for the count.

Here's the thing: I am sick of the back and forth, the brief moments of happiness and the long moments of guilt. Over the past few weeks, I have come to realize that food was not my friend. It was my master, controlling my moods, controlling my mind. No more.

The wonderful thing is, since I decided to take charge of my own life, I don't even want it anymore. I don't want the things that are bad for me. I don't want to feel bad when I wake up in the morning because I ate five cupcakes before I went to sleep. And somehow, it's working. I have lost eleven of the twenty five pounds I packed on since August.

I have no desire to be perfect. Beauty on the outside is pointless without beauty on the inside. And that's what I want. I want to eat for my health, not to keep my mind from racing. I want to eat things I like without the sudden intense desire to eat everything in sight. I want to take care of my body, to appreciate its strength. I want to take care of my mind, because I'm pretty sure I'm going to need it. :-)

I could have continued to keep my secrets, I could have disappeared from the world...out of sight, out of mind, as they say. I will do none of those things. I will fight this battle every day until I win. I will re-read this blog and re-live this moment of blissful clarity. I will think of you rooting for me every time I feel weak. But why the public confession of what seems like a very private issue?

Here's why. Because I owe every single one of you a heartfelt thank you. No matter how much my weight has fluctuated, no matter how much different I looked in person than in pictures, you never said a word about it. In fact, last May I got back some pictures from a photo shoot that had been drastically airbrushed without my knowledge. I was furious that anyone would use me to perpetuate the myth of the "perfect" celebrity. But more than that, I was terrified you would see me as a fraud. Sometimes when I felt really low, I would surf the net looking for all the nasty, hurtful things that I imagined people would say about me...I didn't want to do it, but I felt like I should punish myself-almost like picking a scab. My fear was that people would call me fat or ugly, yet I secretly wanted it to be confirmed.

But I never found it. And that's why I thank you.

Every musician should have fans like you, fans with the integrity to care about the music and the message more than the package it's presented in. You make me feel pretty and proud even when what's inside me is sometimes dark and ugly. You are the kind of people who are making it okay for lovely women like Jennifer Hudson and America Ferrerra to be considered "beautiful". And for that, you are beautiful.

So I don't know how long this blog will stay up, if management will make me take it down....but if you see it, then you share my secret and you know that I am trying really hard to get healthy and stay that way...and you know that I appreciate your sweet words and your support, and your awareness of who I am. I am just a person, and I mess up sometimes. But I write songs about it, and you listen to them :-). Thanks, as always, for that.

What I Am Not Working On...

I still not working on that term paper. It's supposed to be a comparison of Carl Cohen's "Do Animals Have Rights?" and Tom Regan's "The Case For Animal Rights". We are also to look at how the animal rights debate applies to the human rights movement and then look at how Indirect duties, Utilitarianism, and Contractarianism factor into the issue.

I think I would rather go get ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery and watch The Departed.

**Update** I found this article interesting as I was working on my paper on Animal Rights. We just covered Zoos and the arguments for and against them in the last few weeks. 3.34 pm

That's Not Why I Am Here...

So I left town to get some homework done in peace. As expected, no such thing has really happened. MrGiggles took me shopping today. He did this under the premise that I needed clothes that fit. Good point, but what he doesn't understand is I have NO money to my name right now. Not a single cent really.

Well, I broke out the credit card. At a local big box retailer, I took home $129.94 of new clothes home for $21.52.

Alright, I couldn't pass that up really.

Make Benefit Of What Exactly...

I did not find Borat as funny as everyone said. It was mildly amusing.

WOOT...

Today marks my first day of vacation, so Kiki and I went on a dress shopping mission today. I went to find a dress appropriate for an standing next to the Bunny in her upcoming wedding to my brother, the Fish. Well, that all went well...But here's the bread and butter of the day.

And um...we shopped for some other stuff...but HELLO! I was able to buy shirts a size or two smaller then the last time I shopped!

Yay me!

Rocking The Cat Box...

I refuse to believe that it's casbah.

I rocked the shit out the multiple choice portion of my Ethics exam. I needed a 32 which is an 80%. I got a perfect score.

Yay me!

Bracketology 101...

Apparently this is an actual term sports geeks use in March. Huh.

The boys have been pushing me to fill in some brackets. Um no.

But I did make my Final 4 predictions.

UCLA
North Carolina
Texas A&M
Florida

I am going with the Tarheels as this year's champ.

But then again, I am a girl. But a girl that was right on about the Super Bowl from Week 2 on...

*The Grey Ceiling On The Earth...

Fuck is when you spill Diet Coke all over your fucking term paper.

Sadness Washes Over Me...

Kiki gave her two week notice at the bank today.

I am going to miss her stupid face. Just who does she think is going to take care of her now?

Just another reason to hate my job.

Ugh...

Is this week over yet?

Oh wait, it's only Tuesday.

Mixed Feelings...

A boy just admitted he liked me.

He lives 200 miles away. I only see him 3 times a year.

*sigh*

Happy Happy...

Birthday, Bunny!

Just CLASSic...

Not had the best morning at class.

Psychology partner showed up fucking wasted. I mean, RETARDED! I was a little pissed off by this.

The crazy Spaniard Ethics teacher is on my list right now too. My presentation that I busted my ass working on, read that 300 page book, he wanted. WAS WORTH NO POINTS WHAT SO EVER. That's not even fair. I am not going to lie, had he disclosed this up front, I would not have worried about it so much. Grr.

That's A Kick In The Head...

If I had known the crazy Spaniard wasn't going to post the test today, I wouldn't have spent the last 2 hours reading this essay.


GRRR!

He's Captain Fucking America, Man...

You can't just kill him off, it's just not right!

When Did Pizza Get So Good...

I haven't had pizza in a long time. This frozen cheese pizza is pretty tasty.

I could eat this whole damn thing if I don't walk away right now.

When did pizza start tasting so yummy?

Therapy At $32.95 a month...

I had an frustrating day. Nothing in particular. Just a million things destined to piss me off.

Well, I worked out until I forgot what I was mad about.

Now, the only things I feel are tired and hungry.

100 Things About Me...

Sometime ago, I blogged one of these lists. I was thinking the other day that I wanted to revise it some. I have not the urge to look through old posts to find mine, so I started over. When I have nothing to blog about, I am going to whip out 10 things. Some I will explain, some might not need any explanation. So, here goes installment 1.

1. I love Hello Kitty.
Perhaps I like Hello Kitty a little too much for a grown-up. You will find random little trinkets and reminders all over my apartment to this affect. Some, I have sought out. Some, I have paid too much for. Some, have been gifted to me. It makes no sense, and it's an addiction born out of nothing, but I love it just the same.

2. I have a purse addiction.
I own somewhere in the neighborhood of 90 purses. I don't know when this compulsion started, but I couldn't stop for the longest time. Now, I crave higher quality, so at the very least it has slowed down. As an example, the girls at Wilson's Leather (60 miles away), know me by first name.

3. I love The Goo Goo Dolls.
I am also not sure when this addiction was born. I would imagine 1998. The movie "City of Angels" was released. With it came the soundtrack, bearing the song "Iris". It became THE song of that year. Since the release of that album, I have seen this band live 8 times. Dizzy Up The Girl still remains one of my all time favorite albums. I am trying to position myself to be the mother of John Rzeznik's children.

4. I cannot not stand an open mailbox.
My apartment resides next to Bartender's. Our mailboxes are also neighbors. Some people would be annoyed by the fact that, Bartender will deposit his unwanted junk mail in our box. Not this girl. I get blindly annoyed by the open lids everyday. So everyday, I close the lids as I pass by. I have actually tried to ignore this and laid in my apartment on the couch and had this bother me enough, that I got off my ass, to close the lids. If there is no mail in the box, why leave it open? Yes, I know. I'm a freak. What of it?

5. I have a debilitating fear of storms.
Thunder storms. I can drive home in a complete white out at 2 in the morning, but one crack of thunder and I can't move. It's something that I can't explain, but they terrify me.

6. I'm fat.
This is what I attribute my really low self-esteem too. I am tragically insecure, and I think I do a good job at hiding it. But, I am working on it.

7. I have a plan to kidnap John Cusack.
And why wouldn't you? Look at the guy! He's freaking adorable. He is the 80's teen movie. He's witty, well spoken, intelligent, sarcastic, and cute. What more could I want? Well, a co-worker, who shares the same lust, and I have worked out a shenanigan filled plan to get to meet the man. Ok, so it's pretty common knowledge (among the celebrity informed, at least) that John's best friend is Jeremy Piven. They are also IL natives. They even co-own an apartment in Chicago. This is were the plan comes in. Saltine and I are going to wander around Chicago, using the 6 degrees of separation concept, to track down and accidently bump into Jeremy Piven. Once we track down Mr. Piven, we will lure him into our totally bitchin' van, and kidnap him. We fully intend to hold him hostage until we hear from John, inquiring as to our demands. We think he'll be down for the fact that we really just want to go to dinner with him. I think once they hear about the pureness of our love and admiration, they more then likely won't press charges, right?

8. The toilet paper must roll forward.
I don't know why, but it has to. I have caught myself changing the rolls at work even.

9. I don't like Metallica.
I never have. I tried. It's Metallica. They are rock gods, they must be good, right? Uh, no. They don't really speak to me.

10. My attempt at a higher education terrifies me.
The act of going to school everyday scares me. What if I let someone down? What if I let myself down? Maybe I am not as smart as I think. Maybe I really can't juggle 2 jobs and school. Maybe I will fall flat on my face. Maybe I will succeed. My fear of the unknown that lies in the answers sometimes, gets the better of me.

So, there it is. Maybe you knew that, maybe you didn't.

More To Come...

I can't wait to talk about my Ethics class. Today was interesting. I just have to wait to talk about this until after work. And the gym (which DB, I didn't go last night.)

When Did Axle Rose Start Classes Here...

I think I need to start blogging more about my classes. Not so much the classes themselves, but the people I observe in my classes.

My first class of the morning is always "General Psychology". The instructor that began the class, has apparently contracted the bird flu, or the HIV, or the herp, or some equally "ewww" disease; that has caused him to miss the last 4 weeks of class. Well, we were finally given a new instructor today. He is very unremarkable, but not the point.

We have this girl in class, who on day one, presented herself as the "overachiever". Over dressed, a little too formal for a morning class. She even went so far as to attach herself to the lone Indian student (who we just assume is the smart girl, based solely on our racial biases. I know. I judge books by their cover. Sue me. At least I am not in denial about it).

Anyway, so..."girl" today, morphed herself into Axle Rose. She had the most horrid tiny little braids over her entire head. They looked dirty, greasy and appeared to have been done by a 6th grader. These braids were "controlled", so to speak by a ratty blue do-rag. To add to this, she was wearing a hoodie that didn't quite fit her which appeared to have been purchased at Hot Topic. This didn't exactly compliment her low rise jeans that revealed her "jelly roll".

Well, evidently, the look on my face was priceless when she walked into class, because Binks, the girl I know socially through Melly, about spit her coffee across the desk at me. My "wtf" was clearly displayed for the class to see. My only comment was,

"When did Axle Rose enroll?"

I'm going to hell.

Now, That's Awesome...

This girl in my Environmental Ethics class just told my instructor (the crazy Spaniard)...

"I drive a Honda, I have done my part for the environment."

I think we actually witnessed his head exploded.

Now That's Just Disturbing...

I am slightly bothered by the induction on Van Halen into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Why does this bother me so much? 80's iconic hair band. Should be ok with me. Instead, this thought make me wanna kill babies.

Goo-ey Goodness...

Despite all the mishaps (which should be expected any time I try and do ANYTHING), We all had a really nice time. And oh dear god, is that a bad picture of us.

Fuck....

Today, the word Mid-term hit me like a brick wall.

Oy. It's 10 days away. Great.

Lazy Days...

It's a day off. I don't have to be anywhere. I am spending it alone, on my couch, with movies. It's perfect.

The Constant Gardener: Was good. I don't have alot to say about it. It didn't speak to me. But it was a well written movie.

A Scanner Darkly: FUCKED UP! And I can't stop watching.