Skinnyfat
This is a scary thing to admit. It was hard to say out loud, but I imagine it will be even harder to see in print. However, in the spirit of honesty, I said I would keep you in the loop with me. And so I will.
You might think I'm being silly when I say this, but I'm telling you that I am dead serious.
I am addicted to food.
Sounds stupid, even impossible, but the truth of it is, food has been my drug of choice for the past few years. I will tell you some things about me right now that even my closest friends don't know.
Over the past 18 months, I have gained and lost the same twenty pounds at least four times. Some of you have seen me at my heaviest, few of you have seen me at my thinnest.
I have always thought of food as my friend. It was the one relationship in my life that didn't demand anything from me, that didn't criticize me, that never told me anything I didn't want hear. It was there in the morning, it was there late at night, it was just blessedly, endlessly there for me anytime I wanted to feel numb. I have gone out to dinner with people and ordered a salad-then gone home and eaten in secret until I was sick with the shame of what I was doing. I have hidden the evidence deep in the trash and in the back of the closet.
Don't be mistaken: I have NEVER EVER eaten and forced myself to throw up. I have, on occasion, eaten an extremely limited diet to get off the weight I put on, but ONLY under the supervision of a personal trainer and nutritionist.
I'm sure this sounds odd coming from me, as I have always championed being proud of who you are, no matter what you weigh or how you look. But then, we all have our demons-and I thought maybe sharing mine would help some of you with yours.
The past year has been a wonderful time for my career, and I accomplished many things that I had only ever dreamed about. But along with success come tremendous pressure-to keep it up, to take it to the next level, to control the things that, in reality, only fate can control. Who do you think has been my closest friend all this time? Food. And yet, it's my worst enemy. Food and I are like two boxers in a ring-at any given time, one of us might be in charge of the fight-but neither of us ever goes down for the count.
Here's the thing: I am sick of the back and forth, the brief moments of happiness and the long moments of guilt. Over the past few weeks, I have come to realize that food was not my friend. It was my master, controlling my moods, controlling my mind. No more.
The wonderful thing is, since I decided to take charge of my own life, I don't even want it anymore. I don't want the things that are bad for me. I don't want to feel bad when I wake up in the morning because I ate five cupcakes before I went to sleep. And somehow, it's working. I have lost eleven of the twenty five pounds I packed on since August.
I have no desire to be perfect. Beauty on the outside is pointless without beauty on the inside. And that's what I want. I want to eat for my health, not to keep my mind from racing. I want to eat things I like without the sudden intense desire to eat everything in sight. I want to take care of my body, to appreciate its strength. I want to take care of my mind, because I'm pretty sure I'm going to need it. :-)
I could have continued to keep my secrets, I could have disappeared from the world...out of sight, out of mind, as they say. I will do none of those things. I will fight this battle every day until I win. I will re-read this blog and re-live this moment of blissful clarity. I will think of you rooting for me every time I feel weak. But why the public confession of what seems like a very private issue?
Here's why. Because I owe every single one of you a heartfelt thank you. No matter how much my weight has fluctuated, no matter how much different I looked in person than in pictures, you never said a word about it. In fact, last May I got back some pictures from a photo shoot that had been drastically airbrushed without my knowledge. I was furious that anyone would use me to perpetuate the myth of the "perfect" celebrity. But more than that, I was terrified you would see me as a fraud. Sometimes when I felt really low, I would surf the net looking for all the nasty, hurtful things that I imagined people would say about me...I didn't want to do it, but I felt like I should punish myself-almost like picking a scab. My fear was that people would call me fat or ugly, yet I secretly wanted it to be confirmed.
But I never found it. And that's why I thank you.
Every musician should have fans like you, fans with the integrity to care about the music and the message more than the package it's presented in. You make me feel pretty and proud even when what's inside me is sometimes dark and ugly. You are the kind of people who are making it okay for lovely women like Jennifer Hudson and America Ferrerra to be considered "beautiful". And for that, you are beautiful.
So I don't know how long this blog will stay up, if management will make me take it down....but if you see it, then you share my secret and you know that I am trying really hard to get healthy and stay that way...and you know that I appreciate your sweet words and your support, and your awareness of who I am. I am just a person, and I mess up sometimes. But I write songs about it, and you listen to them :-). Thanks, as always, for that.
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