Beauty Queens and Children's Dreams...

I solved the world peace crisis today. I had to write a proposal for macro econ today on the subject.

Children and Beauty Queens.

LOL, draw your own conclusions, but if you would like to read the starry eyed proposal...let me know.

In other news, I am losing my mind. The end of the semester is a terribly stressful time right now, and I am not handling it well. I am kind of unbalanced right now. My thoughts don't add up, I have a short fuse, I am needy and whiny. I need a hug. I need to clean my house (it smells funny in here). I don't have time to do it right now. So, maybe next week I can figure out which stack of dishes reek so bad. I am selfishly expecting the attention of some people, and getting heart hurt when I don't get that attention. But there are certain people I need right now. Is that really all that selfish to know which friends are going to say the right things to make it all okay? Is it also ok to not care that I feel like I'm being selfish?

Miracles Will Happen As We Dream...

I am losing my damn mind. I had started bullet pointing this...Fuck that.

Ok, I work at Wal-Mart. It's December. Enough said. And you know, I don't hate the job. I hate the materialism of the season. Christmas has been ruined for me.

On that note, I have like no money to try and live my life on, and try and buy holiday gifts. God forbid my mother doesn't get something shiny.

As a result, I have been picking up extra shifts in the restaurant to try and make ends meet. I now work 6 days a week.

In said restaurant, I work with the biggest fucking drama queen, I have ever come in contact with. She's so fucking irresponsible, and I have to keep Bartender on stand by, in case she flakes out and I am short one wait person.

I like a boy. I haven't been talking about it. But, there's a boy. I like this boy. I used to sort of date his stinky, stupid friend. He used to date (or be engaged to, I forget) Melly's little sister. We both openly admit being attracted to each other. It's not something we hide. We very much enjoy each other's company. We "hang out" from time to time. Movie dates, sit around watching movies, he randomly shows up at my place of employment to see me. And still, we are not together. I really like this boy. It's never going to happen. But, I am still sticking it out. Stranger things have happened.

All these things combined with the fact that it's the last two weeks of the semester, I just might have a breakdown.

No one really understands, because no one else is in my shoes. And that sucks, not having anyone relate to this. However, Bartender, Davey and Junior, have been going out of their way to make things easier on me. I have good friends.

Oh...and I hate that my roommate stomps when he walks and insists on chewing with his mouth open.

Oh, Heaven Help Me...

Melly is on the phone with me right now. She just announced her pregnancy to me.

I don't know if I can handle her and Kristina and her knocked up at the same time.

It's A Long Way To Happy From Rock Bottom...

It's hard for me to hear about him sleeping with our friends and not be bothered by it. It just hurts.

Different Eyes...

I had a 15 hour field trip for Geology yesterday. Wow, did I see some cool shit! I saw some of the most beautiful rock formations ever. And I saw them with new eyes. What I once thought would have just been a wonder of nature, has me seeing the geology significance, and looking quite a bit closer then I normally would have.

Well, I will get more into it tomorrow, but let's just say it's all fun to you drop your camera down a cliff.

Big day today. Working. Going to a funeral. Going back to work to work an event. And then getting Anners drunk to mourn the passing of her Momma. I am going to cry today.

On the docket for tomorrow is telling Bartender, how selfish I am and not wanting him to date a friend of ours. Oh boy.

Am I Not Good Enough...

Melly and her boyfriend have begun to talk wedding plans, despite he hasn't asked that crucial question.

Last night she told me to lose weight before the wedding, because she wants "us" to be pretty for the wedding.

Um. I know I'm nothing much to look at, but fucking ouch.

I'm pretty upset at her right now, and her drunk ass doesn't even know it. Dumb, spoiled little bitch.

That's Hot...

My friend Tom tom decided to spend the haunting holiday in Vegas this year.

Last night, he called from Paris Hilton's Halloween party. I could tell I have been hanging around with the boys to long when all I had to say is...

"If you don't hit that from behind, you should probably not come home."

LOL, quick. I need a manicure and a Reese Witherspoon movie.

**Baby update** Bartender's mom went in this morning...still no baby.

A Quote...

"I am going to sit on the couch and bask in my own sweetness."

-The boy next door.

It's Not Easy Being This Crazy...

I don't even know where to start. I have been freaking out all day.

Let's start with the boy. I worked in the restaurant today. I had all kinds of time for my mind to wander. Once I settled down a little bit, I had time to evaluate last night's situation. The most romantic thing ever happened last night. But it didn't happen to me.

His love is in the area from Vegas. She is in the next city for a bachelorette party. He and I were at this wedding. He announces during the reception that he is considering going to see her. I tell him I think it's a bad idea (Of course I think it's a bad idea...I know how he feels about her. I know he'll never feel that way about me. I think it's a rotten idea!!!). We are standing in the middle of everything discussing the situation, and I go ahead and say what a best friend should.

"Be happy." (Fucking moron)

He stops mid sentence. Looks at me.

"Fuck this. I love her. I am going. I love you, I'll call you from the road." Gives me the warmest hug ever and runs out the door.

He lived out a real live movie moment right there in front of me. It was so sweet and devastating at the same time. I made small talk for a few minutes and then found my way to the door before my face exploded in tears.

I swear, last night, I was in a live action Resse Witherspoon movie. I sobbed uncontrollably for a bit and put myself to bed.

At work, I couldn't help but wonder, I am in love with him...or am I in love with the idea of being with someone like him? Am I just sick of being single and this is what happens? I would never ever give up my friendship with him for anything. And I can't imagine not being able to talk to him about every little thing with him...including our relationships. Can't I just clone him and date the clone? (Though, I did see that Michael Keaton movie with the cloning and we know it was a horrid idea from that) Anyway, the more I thought about it, I convinced myself that my "love" for my best friend may just be that I am in fact, a little bit lonely. And he's there. And I know how wonderful he is. Well, let's be real...should I be in love with my best male friend who I spend every single day with? No. But is it possible? Without a doubt. But I can't go jumping off the deep end here.

And telling him, only going to make things worse. There will be this weirdness and I can't have that. I depend on him too much, to not have him there. I can't risk that. I can't take the chance.

After work, he called me. I assume to tell me how things went last night (he spent the night there...I can assume). And why is it that talking to him made every single thing ok? I just got off the phone with him...he did listen to me whine about the other stuff I have going on (that's another post) and I feel 100% better. I won't tell him what really caused my distress but he believes it to be over a boy. He has nooooo idea.

All he said about his little encounter with her, is that it was nice. He says he doesn't have alot to tell me right now, other then it was nice. (What the fuck does nice mean?)

I just don't know what is going on in my head right now. But, I know I am ok now. Which probably just further proves that I am in love with him...but back to denial.

Now, I am going to launch into the other stuff. School.

It dawned on me on Friday that at this rate, I am looking at being 33 when I graduate with my BA. 33. Now, I know there is a new Lifetime movie every week that tells us that anybody can do it. My life is not a movie. His is, mine isn't. I need to be going to school full time. I cannot wait another 6 years for life to really start. I need action now.

So, going to school full time, means working less. This also means...I don't know if I am going to be able to live on my own. I may have to bite the bullet and move in with my mother. I am going to toss around the idea with other family members, as my mother is my last resort.

Living with my mother at nearly 30 (OMG, 30. That's not a fun idea to wrap my pea mind around) , I can't be that person. I mean, I could...but do I want to. Oh fuck no.

So, now I gotta figure shit out. How to work, how to go full time at school, How to keep my apartment, How to have a life and still keep my life in tact.

I am a big mental mess right now. I just don't know anything right now.

Now About That...

I wasn't drunk last night when I made that post. I'm also not deleting it. I thought about it, but...if Usher can make a million dollars telling his story, maybe I can sleep better at night. You already know that I love him, but maybe I needed to say it out loud.

It sucks. I don't feel better after a night of sleep. I thought being over tired and spending too much time in the sun yesterday, combined with 3 weddings in 7 days was all it was...

Turns out...I knew all along what was wrong with me.

Now it's all about moving on...right?

Now, it's just making sure that he doesn't find out.

These Are My Confessions...

I just sent the only boy I have thought I could spend my life with, after the love of his life, because he is still in love with her.

I'm a good friend, for sending him after her right? He loves her.

But I love him...what about me?! Who sends me after my happy ending? Did I just fuck myself over?

Should I feel odd that she's the only thing he won't tell me about?

I Can't Stop Smiling...

Bartender and I had a moment on the phone tonight. It completely validated our friendship. It was exactly what I needed to hear tonight.

He's good like that.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of couple we would hypothetically make. Right now, I am so content with our friendship.

And I spent sometime with Kiki tonight, and it was looong over due. I so needed that. She did ask me to throw her baby shower though! I couldn't be more thrilled that she would trust me with this.

The Accidental Felon...

Bartender and I had a short criminal career the other day. We are not good at that game.

I'll follow with the story another day.

Left A Note And Said I'm Sorry, I've Had A Bad Again...

Phone rings at 1 am this morning. I see it's Bartender. I found it odd, be cause he is supposed to be at college town for orientation.

He's stranded on the side of the freeway and wanted to talk to me while he waited for his saving grace. It sounds like his transmission went out on him.

He calls once his dad drops off another vehicle and waits for the other to be towed home.

He is delayed but not, screwed.

He calls me again. 9 a.m. from his orientation. They messed up his application and he's not even a student. He has to reapply.

He drove 2.5 hours and killed his car for nothing. I'm making him his favorite meal tonight. I think he's earned it.

I don't know why I felt compelled to tell you that. I just did.

Oh, yea. And Xan might have cancer. Has to have surgery on Thursday. I'm scared. What is going on with my friends!?!?!

Another Beautiful Bride...

Another beautiful bride.

Two weddings in two days is alot. As fun as it was, I am freaking beat.

I'm Going To Die Alone...

*sigh* It was a lovely day. Today could not have gone any more perfectly for the happy couple. I am sort of broken hearted and happy all at the same time. I am 50% of the way through the wedding weekend and I think the tough one will actually be tomorrow. Weddings make the single girl really sad.

I could insert a confession here about people...but won't. Instead...I think I'll go to bed.

*I did look sorta hot today though, but not quite hot enough...I'll never be hot enough*

Is There A Chiropractor In The House...

I just went and got my books for the upcoming semester. OW! These bitches are heavy.

Went to the doctor today. Time to go back on some meds I thought I grew out of as a kid. I am having some difficulty managing my ADD lately. Turns out that I was also due for every vaccine booster on the planet. My arm hurts.

I was to have lunch with Bartender today, he didn't answer the phone. Shocking. *notice invisible snarky tone*

My former roommate is getting married in a few days. Odd.

My cats are fighting. Not shocking.

Bluebidy Bluebidy Blu.

A Day With Something To Say...

It seems I always have something to say, though. Why is today any different? It just is.

I was in the bank today conducting some ... well, banking. While I was there the AVP of (whatever), The woman in charge spotted me. This woman had a hand in hiring me. This woman trained me. This woman has been my only cheerleader for some time now. She pulled me aside and asked me what really happened with my dismissal.

I told her. I told her I felt like I had been a target for quite sometime. The terms of my dismissal are simple on paper. I was late for work. I was let go for this reason. Do I think that underlying issues existed, oh yes. I ended up unloading everything on her that I should have said 3 years ago. She asked me, if I was offered my job back with a salary increase, would I consider it? I felt confident walking away from her, knowing I told her no.

I felt better then I had in months. What an emotional release that was. I stopped to see Kiki on the way home, and it felt right again. I miss Keeks.

On the rest of the walk home, I felt so pleased that I actually considered booking a flight out to California to see my dear friend who is having a rough time lately.

I got home and through the "6 degrees of net surfing" on Myspace, I came across the fact that he told other people that I am a bad friend lately. I forgot to call him Monday, like I said I would. I made no effort to call yesterday. He wrote hurtful things about me. He thinks now that I am friends with the people that he is close to, I no longer need him. That he has been replaced. That I don't care.

Well, ouch. That hurt. He thinks that's bad. I forgot for the first time since the 6th grade, to call my friend in Florida and wish her happy birthday. Now, that's bad.

I called. I didn't want too after that, but did. He didn't answer (I know he's home). I left a message. I will try tomorrow.

Ok, well. Pity party over. I'm off for tacos before work.

The Night In Pictures...

I Wish It Would Break...

The little glass house that Princess Melly lives in, that it.

I get so frustrated at how the world revolves around her. People how are normally considerate and alot of fun to be around...just become drones in her presence and it's frustrating.

I'm sick of not existing in my own life. It's too a point that I now have to take someone who is immune to the gravitational pull of Melly when I go out or I end up sitting by myself with an opinion that doesn't matter. It sucks.