One Good Thing...

The restaurant offered me full time tonight.

I might take it.

The Good With The Bad...

What an icky day today turned out to be. Oh well. I guess you'll have those.

Shocking...

The below mentioned drama queen at the restaurant, just bothered to not show up today.

So, fired she is. That's one relief.

But now, I'm short a waitress. I have to sweet talk Bartender into helping me out. I know he will, but it's just that I have traded one stress for another. I know that are going to have to ask me to take more shifts.

Miracles Will Happen As We Dream...

I am losing my damn mind. I had started bullet pointing this...Fuck that.

Ok, I work at Wal-Mart. It's December. Enough said. And you know, I don't hate the job. I hate the materialism of the season. Christmas has been ruined for me.

On that note, I have like no money to try and live my life on, and try and buy holiday gifts. God forbid my mother doesn't get something shiny.

As a result, I have been picking up extra shifts in the restaurant to try and make ends meet. I now work 6 days a week.

In said restaurant, I work with the biggest fucking drama queen, I have ever come in contact with. She's so fucking irresponsible, and I have to keep Bartender on stand by, in case she flakes out and I am short one wait person.

I like a boy. I haven't been talking about it. But, there's a boy. I like this boy. I used to sort of date his stinky, stupid friend. He used to date (or be engaged to, I forget) Melly's little sister. We both openly admit being attracted to each other. It's not something we hide. We very much enjoy each other's company. We "hang out" from time to time. Movie dates, sit around watching movies, he randomly shows up at my place of employment to see me. And still, we are not together. I really like this boy. It's never going to happen. But, I am still sticking it out. Stranger things have happened.

All these things combined with the fact that it's the last two weeks of the semester, I just might have a breakdown.

No one really understands, because no one else is in my shoes. And that sucks, not having anyone relate to this. However, Bartender, Davey and Junior, have been going out of their way to make things easier on me. I have good friends.

Oh...and I hate that my roommate stomps when he walks and insists on chewing with his mouth open.

I Could Burn The Building Down...

Grr. A cashier just emailed me and told me that the management at our store plans on having me work a different schedule then what I am actually scheduled this weekend and haven't bothered to actually tell me this.

Um, I don't think so. When did they plan on asking me this? Friday morning? They forget I have multiple jobs. And it's the end of the semester, so I really don't have time to spare.

It just pisses me off that they don't even bother to ask.

Songs To Rage By...

So earlier today, I was thinking that I was digging myself a hole. I have picked up Thursday nights in the restrauant. Well, we had an issue with one of the new employees recently that left Tuesdays open also. So I picked those up. I was thinking that I should be more stressed then what I am, but I think alot of it has to do with not being miserable at work.

So, I am bopping along to work all bundled up, braving the elements. I get there to find that the new girl, changed the schedule and decided to work today after all. Der.

Not that's it's a big deal, but I lost 30 minutes of time I could have been doing homework to someone else's stupidity.

And I was going to use my tip money to send myself to see Hitman tonight. Double Der.

It's Not Easy Being This Crazy...

I don't even know where to start. I have been freaking out all day.

Let's start with the boy. I worked in the restaurant today. I had all kinds of time for my mind to wander. Once I settled down a little bit, I had time to evaluate last night's situation. The most romantic thing ever happened last night. But it didn't happen to me.

His love is in the area from Vegas. She is in the next city for a bachelorette party. He and I were at this wedding. He announces during the reception that he is considering going to see her. I tell him I think it's a bad idea (Of course I think it's a bad idea...I know how he feels about her. I know he'll never feel that way about me. I think it's a rotten idea!!!). We are standing in the middle of everything discussing the situation, and I go ahead and say what a best friend should.

"Be happy." (Fucking moron)

He stops mid sentence. Looks at me.

"Fuck this. I love her. I am going. I love you, I'll call you from the road." Gives me the warmest hug ever and runs out the door.

He lived out a real live movie moment right there in front of me. It was so sweet and devastating at the same time. I made small talk for a few minutes and then found my way to the door before my face exploded in tears.

I swear, last night, I was in a live action Resse Witherspoon movie. I sobbed uncontrollably for a bit and put myself to bed.

At work, I couldn't help but wonder, I am in love with him...or am I in love with the idea of being with someone like him? Am I just sick of being single and this is what happens? I would never ever give up my friendship with him for anything. And I can't imagine not being able to talk to him about every little thing with him...including our relationships. Can't I just clone him and date the clone? (Though, I did see that Michael Keaton movie with the cloning and we know it was a horrid idea from that) Anyway, the more I thought about it, I convinced myself that my "love" for my best friend may just be that I am in fact, a little bit lonely. And he's there. And I know how wonderful he is. Well, let's be real...should I be in love with my best male friend who I spend every single day with? No. But is it possible? Without a doubt. But I can't go jumping off the deep end here.

And telling him, only going to make things worse. There will be this weirdness and I can't have that. I depend on him too much, to not have him there. I can't risk that. I can't take the chance.

After work, he called me. I assume to tell me how things went last night (he spent the night there...I can assume). And why is it that talking to him made every single thing ok? I just got off the phone with him...he did listen to me whine about the other stuff I have going on (that's another post) and I feel 100% better. I won't tell him what really caused my distress but he believes it to be over a boy. He has nooooo idea.

All he said about his little encounter with her, is that it was nice. He says he doesn't have alot to tell me right now, other then it was nice. (What the fuck does nice mean?)

I just don't know what is going on in my head right now. But, I know I am ok now. Which probably just further proves that I am in love with him...but back to denial.

Now, I am going to launch into the other stuff. School.

It dawned on me on Friday that at this rate, I am looking at being 33 when I graduate with my BA. 33. Now, I know there is a new Lifetime movie every week that tells us that anybody can do it. My life is not a movie. His is, mine isn't. I need to be going to school full time. I cannot wait another 6 years for life to really start. I need action now.

So, going to school full time, means working less. This also means...I don't know if I am going to be able to live on my own. I may have to bite the bullet and move in with my mother. I am going to toss around the idea with other family members, as my mother is my last resort.

Living with my mother at nearly 30 (OMG, 30. That's not a fun idea to wrap my pea mind around) , I can't be that person. I mean, I could...but do I want to. Oh fuck no.

So, now I gotta figure shit out. How to work, how to go full time at school, How to keep my apartment, How to have a life and still keep my life in tact.

I am a big mental mess right now. I just don't know anything right now.

A Day With Something To Say...

It seems I always have something to say, though. Why is today any different? It just is.

I was in the bank today conducting some ... well, banking. While I was there the AVP of (whatever), The woman in charge spotted me. This woman had a hand in hiring me. This woman trained me. This woman has been my only cheerleader for some time now. She pulled me aside and asked me what really happened with my dismissal.

I told her. I told her I felt like I had been a target for quite sometime. The terms of my dismissal are simple on paper. I was late for work. I was let go for this reason. Do I think that underlying issues existed, oh yes. I ended up unloading everything on her that I should have said 3 years ago. She asked me, if I was offered my job back with a salary increase, would I consider it? I felt confident walking away from her, knowing I told her no.

I felt better then I had in months. What an emotional release that was. I stopped to see Kiki on the way home, and it felt right again. I miss Keeks.

On the rest of the walk home, I felt so pleased that I actually considered booking a flight out to California to see my dear friend who is having a rough time lately.

I got home and through the "6 degrees of net surfing" on Myspace, I came across the fact that he told other people that I am a bad friend lately. I forgot to call him Monday, like I said I would. I made no effort to call yesterday. He wrote hurtful things about me. He thinks now that I am friends with the people that he is close to, I no longer need him. That he has been replaced. That I don't care.

Well, ouch. That hurt. He thinks that's bad. I forgot for the first time since the 6th grade, to call my friend in Florida and wish her happy birthday. Now, that's bad.

I called. I didn't want too after that, but did. He didn't answer (I know he's home). I left a message. I will try tomorrow.

Ok, well. Pity party over. I'm off for tacos before work.

Ponderingment...

Yes. It's a word.

Should I start blogging about my adventures as a hotel "Clubhouse" hostess?

Finally...

I needed some good news today. I got a letter from school this morning, so instantly this feeling of dread sets in. I had such an ordeal last summer just getting registered that I couldn't imagine this to be good news.

It was my student lon letter. I was awarded enough in subsidized loans to cover the Fall semster completely including books. If I watch it pretty closely, I can probably get a little to spill over into the spring semester. Which is going to be expensive.

I logged in to check my GPA at the same time to find that my Ethics teacher bumped my grade up to an A.

All of that has almost made me completely forget about the horrible experience that was my first post employment bank experience.

Poopyity poop. I am hungry as hell and didn't really plan on that happening today. LOL. It's too warm in my house to want to eat. But sitting here in the air conditioned laundromat, hungry has certainly hit me.

My Life Comes Crashing Down...

I went on my annual camping trip this weekend. I really couldn't afford to go but such is life I guess.

I had a nice time with my friends. It was funny to see how we have all changed and are in very different spots in our life right now. It's strange.

I left feeling very relaxed with the exception of my allergies trying to end my life this weekend...but you know, that's my own fault.

My life was waiting for me today when I got home. There are dishes to do. Liter boxes to clean. Such and such. My termination packet was still on the table where it's been sitting since I got it. I paid the bills I was putting off to feel like I had money. I filed for the unemployment I know I am going to get denied for. The bank called again today. Seems Karen (the branch manager) wanted to take me to lunch this week. Get this..."Because she is worried about me." Fuck that. She wants to clear her guilt. That's all she wants. In the end, she made the call to fire me, she knows I can't afford to be without that extra income. It all makes me wish this wasn't my life sometimes.

I hate this all right now. So if I seem busy, it's because I am trying not to remember how much I hurt right now.

Taking The Long Way...

I got my termination packet from the bank today. They are docking my paycheck 10 hours. Apparently, I took more vacation time then I was entitled to. I am sorry...but that's bullshit. I just feel like I have been punched in the stomache.

Fuck them.

Wal-mart has been pretty cool right now. I am working full-time hours 4 days this week. That'll really help with money. I start my new second job next week. I will be hostessing at the restaurant that Melly works at. It's just two days a week and money isn't great...but *shrugs*. I need all the money I can gets. Ya know. I am also needing more Wal-mart apparel since all my clothes are too nice to wear there...so I need to shop.

I am having a hard time shopping right now, because I know money is going to be tight.

Ug. Well, I watched Shut Up and Sing today. It was really enjoyable. It was about the fall out that the Dixie Chicks experienced after their freedom of speech issues.

Major Bummer...

"Hi, it's me. I just woke up."

"Well, um."

"I am aware of what this means. I haven't even had time to get in the shower yet, so since you are firing me, or suspending me I have no urge to get on work clothes and be sent home."

"I have to talk it over with Karen."

"Well, I am going to get in the shower and call you back."

Post shower...

"This is out of my control"

"I'm aware."

"We need you to bring in your keys and any bank materials you may have at home."

I was fired this morning. I overslept. Being fired didn't shock me. I knew it was going to happen. Cleaning out my work station was really depressing though. That's too bad. I haven't cried yet. I should. I am upset, but I don't know if I am going to cry about it. I was 3 weeks away from being fully vested in my 401k. The extra sleep wasn't worth the 6 grand I lost this morning.

I just lost 6 years of my life today, for nothing.

I have already been to the store to see about picking up some more hours...I could work at the Claridge, if I wanted to and Katie can probably give me some hours at Pat's so you know...I'm sure it'll all work out.

It's making it really hard to get excited about going out of town this weekend.

And I Thought I Was Making Progress...

I got completely blindsided this morning. I was hauled into the office yet again today.

I didn't see this one coming. They have never caught me off guard before. In the whole "sometimes you are the windshield, sometimes you are the bug" analogy...I am the dead bug.

I thought I was making improvements at work. I thought I was really trying. Apparently, some improvements aren't enough. It was to be a complete over night change.

I started crying. Which I hate, I do not believe in weakness. It leaves you open for attack. I asked to go home at that point and take a vacation day. I was denied.

I was sat down and told that my efforts are simply not enough, my attitude has to change and that I am simply not pulling my fair share of work. Then they send me crying back to the teller line. But...I have attitude issues, so I am not allowed to be down at all because "We employ happy people."

Really, since when?

I don't know what else to do. My ass is too fat to flip the cartwheels they clearly are looking for. "I have a good job with good hours, so I should relish in that fact".

I don't know what to do. I can't really take a pay cut, I am already living by the skin of my teeth. I really have an insane amount of vacation time for being employed only 6 years there.

I just don't fucking know what to do anymore.

Bartender moved out of the building this week, I'm bummed about that. But he's coming over for our taco/movie date tonight. He grabs Taco Bell after he closes the bar and heads on over here to watch a movie.

A friend's mom passed away Wednesday. That sucks. I hate funerals.

I Should Be Flattered...

That I am the one that Wal-mart chooses to call in early every single night.

I'm really not entertained.

If I Stay It Will Be Trouble...

I sat in my car outside the bank today staring at it until my shift began. It's almost as if I thought the answer to all my problems would come to me, if I just looked hard enough.

I feel as if the time has come to move on. But I don't know if I can afford it. I would have to take a substantial pay cut working almost anywhere and I would be walking away from an insane amount of vacation days.

I think about it this way. I have 21 paid vacation days. What about the other 344 days of the year? Just be miserable?

Am I brave enough to take the leap of faith that I would need to, and just walk away and risk everything? Or do I stay and try and make it work?

I'm A Bad Person...

I called into Wal-Mart today. I'm not sick.

Last night, I began to ponder all of the end of the semester stuff I had to complete and looked at the amount of time I didn't have to do it in. As much as it sucks for the front end supervisors, I made the call to stay home today. This is more important to me.

I'm going to hell. I don't think I feel bad about skipping out on them. Would you? What would you do in this situation?

**Obviously, I do feel a little bad about this...or I wouldn't have posed the question to you**

Sadness Washes Over Me...

Kiki gave her two week notice at the bank today.

I am going to miss her stupid face. Just who does she think is going to take care of her now?

Just another reason to hate my job.